Jerrie Fic
by iliketowritefics
Summary: This was finished early this year but I'm moving everything from my Tumblr to here. The death of the girls' mentor brings up a whole new series of problems but can they make it through together? (I don't like writing a synopsis)
1. Intro

Intro

(Jade)

I slowly began to regain some feeling, air rushed into my lungs making me splutter. I opened my eyes trying to make some sense of the foreign land around me but my surroundings were dark apart form a flickering glow coming from behind me. I was soaking, it took my mind a second to register the pool of water I was lying in.

'Get up Jade' I thought hard to myself trying to find the momentum to move, the drive to push myself into a sitting position. I moved an inch before an agonising pain shot through my chest and right arm causing me to scream. Tears began rolling down my face as fear set in, I knew it was bad to panic but my body was in shock. I tried to take logical steps, first slow down your breathing, in and out, in and out. Now find out where you are. I listened but could hear nothing, very slowly I began to feel my surroundings. I brushed my hands along the ground feeling mud freezing to my touch. I felt to the left of me an incline to what looked like tarmac, however there was an unnatural glow to the tarmac which confused me. How had I gotten here? I tried to remember as I attempted to glance above me at the only source of light. I bent my neck as far as it would allow and out of the corner of my eye I saw it and in an instant everything came rushing back to me.


	2. Chapter 1

(Jade)

I stood on the stage looking out at the thousands of people filling Wembley Arena. Dermot was just about to announce the winner of the X-Factor and I was more nervous that I had ever been in my life. My heart was racing and I knew that his next few words could change our lives. The girls that stood beside me, Leigh-Anne, Jesy, Perrie and our mentor Tulisa had just as much riding on this as I did, 'If we win, we win together' Tulisa's words ran round my head. There was nothing I could do, I was powerless I could only beg silently.

'And the winner of the X-Factor 2011 is'. The tension in the arena was terrifying; nerves were beginning to take over as I waited to hear the decision. I felt Tulisa's hand squeeze mine briefly, I was grateful for the gesture and felt somewhat calmer, I took a deep breath before I heard it,

'Little Mix' In that moment I lost all control of myself, my emotions skyrocketed and I found myself screaming and crying before I even noticed the tears. I couldn't think, I was in complete shock. Someone quickly pulled me into a hug with the girls and the whirlwind began. From the moment Dermot said Little Mix I was numb with pleasure. It wasn't until I was sat back stage after the show that I actually began to feel again. Slowly I was beginning to process the news, very slowly. Perrie who usually never stopped speaking couldn't muster words, Jesy and Leigh-Anne danced and screamed while I just sat in complete shock. We had won. We had won the X-Factor. A smile broke out across my face, everything I had ever dreamed or wished for had just become a reality. I glanced over at Perrie, my fellow Geordie. Her eyes were trained on mine beaming with a light I had never before seen, her usually toothy grin was stretched even wider than usual and I watched as her shock melted away into uncontrollable happiness, and I felt it too. I was being carried by three girls I had only met half a year before into the most amazing experience of my life. All the excitement bubbled up and I couldn't sit still anymore, I stood holding my hand out to an ecstatic Perrie. She wrapped her fingers around mine and we both joined our band mates in the celebration. We jumped and screamed and hugged. Time wasn't a factor, we could have celebrated like this all night but we were soon interrupted by our mentor Tulisa. Tulisa had been our rock through the entire competition and her presence just ignited the roaring fire inside of us.

'Tulisa!' Perrie screamed grabbing her wrist and pulling her into our madness of colliding voices and over exaggerated dance moves. She humoured us for a short while screaming along with us and dancing without a care but she soon interrupted us.

'Right my little muffins, you know how proud I am of you but this is not a proper way to celebrate' Tulisa is known for being a party animal so I had no surprise as to her next suggestion 'So let's hit the clubs!' she yelled making us all scream along with her. Even Perrie and Jesy who aren't huge drinkers agreed that if ever there was a night to have a few drinks it was tonight.

The club was packed. As soon as I walked in the huge room filled with flashing lights and sweating bodies I was hit by a wave of heat and sound. The DJ had everyone on the dance floor along with Perrie and Jesy who had made a dash for the dance floor before they even had a second to take in the atmosphere. I felt a hand upon my own and smiled at Leigh-Anne as she pulled me to the bar, knowing I was a sucker for a celebration she handed me two jager bombs, one for me and one for Perrie. We had recently had an interview in which Perrie had admitted she had never heard of a jager bomb let alone had one and subsequently Leigh-Anne had made it her personal mission to make Perrie have one. Many failed attempts had led to this perfect opportunity, neither Jesy nor Perrie could say no tonight. We made our way to the girls handing them their drinks, Perrie eyed hers up inquisitively making us all laugh. Leigh-Anne was just about to make her toast when we were interrupted by the voice of the DJ,

'A massive shout out to the winners of the 2011 X-Factor, LITTLE MIX!' I looked over to the DJ box where Tulisa stood grinning like a Cheshire cat before the DJ threw the room inside another dance beat. I turned back to my bandmates as we clinked our glasses and downed the drink, Perrie's face forming a picture of disgust as I burst out laughing,

'Tastes like cough syrup' she shouted to me causing me to laugh harder. Regardless of the taste it didn't stop her from consuming another along with as much alcohol as she could hold.

The night quickly turned into a blur of dancing and drinking. I had no sense of time nor did I care. I was relishing in my free night before all the mayhem hit and it seemed like the rest of the girls had a similar idea. I took a moment out of my world to glance around, the club had emptied significantly indicating it could be time to leave. I found Leigh-Anne and told her to find Jesy and Tulisa while I find Perrie, shooting me a sympathetic look she stumbled off calling for Jesy. I stood for a moment searching for the blur of blonde that I'd come to know as Perrie. I finally found her toward the back of the dance floor grinding up against a guy who she would surely regret getting so close to in the morning. She looked up locking eyes with me, she screamed and ran toward me, leaving the poor guy alone.

'It's getting late, let's go' I shouted into her ear, she took my hand allowing me to lead her out of the club as she stumbled and tripped over everything in sight. Slowly the sound of the club began to fade and I was instead left with the rambling of a drunken Perrie.

'Jade, I'm going to start drinkin', don't know why we didn't like alcohol in the first place' she declared leaning on me as we walked,

'Yeah, let me know what you think about that in the morning baba' I laughed,

'Jade, Perrie' I turned to see Jesy shouting as she stepped into the taxi,

'Come on Pez, time to go' I murmured as she rested more weight on me,

'Oooh, Shotgun!' Perrie shouted finding a surge of energy and jumping into the front of the taxi. I got into the back looking at the faces of my band mates and mentor who were grinning giddily at the result of a great night.

I leant my head against the window closing my eyes letting the alcohol send me to sleep.

(Perrie)

The taxi was spinning, actually I think the world was spinning. I had convinced the rather smitten taxi driver to take us the long way home because I wasn't ready to head to bed just yet. I liked the feeling of being in a car, I find it calming even when I can't see straight.

'You are a great taxi driver, do you know that Mr. Taxi Driver, wait what's your name?' I could feel the words slurring out of my mouth before I realised what I was really saying,

'Mark' he chuckled,

'Mark' I repeated to myself 'Well mark you're a good driver' I looked over at Mark, hey he's actually quite cute, I smiled giddily. I had lost control and the alcohol had become Perrie.

'Mark, can I tell you something?' He nodded and I moved closer to him 'I think your quite cute' I giggled like a little girl confessing my first crush. He looked over at me smiling, but as he began to turn round he seemed to look at me again recognising me this time,

'You're that girl off X-Factor aren't you?' He asked as I nodded. His face changed then, from a sweet looking man to a man who saw a shot at fame. His stare fixated blankly on the road as he reached across the seat clutching my leg as he began to work his hand up my thigh,

'Fuck off you pervert!' I screamed at him, he just laughed persisting,

'Jade' I screamed waking her up, 'Get the fuck off me!' I shouted again and punched him in the side of the face, he recoiled back letting go of the wheel with one hand as he lunged further for me. I heard Jade shouting in the back as I lashed out at the taxi driver,

'Come here, you little….'

Mark's words were drowned out by a persistent horn and a deafening scream. Everything went in slow motion, I looked back in front of us seeing a set of lights looming closer to us as I realised with horror that we'd drifted onto the wrong side of the road. Marks hands were a blur as he attempted to swerve left attempting to avoid the oncoming car. He wasn't quick enough and as the lights became blindingly bright I was thrown to the side smashing my head against the window, suddenly the light went out as I began to slip unconscious, before I was swallowed by the blackness though I felt myself being thrown forward colliding with the windscreen as I let out one final scream.


	3. Chapter 2

(Perrie)

I woke up to a scream, it was a scream of pain and sounded like Jade. Immediately I knew I needed to find her. As if I had been slapped in the face the memory of the accident shot back through my mind. Oh my god, I'd just survived a crash, I was so scared but I knew I needed to find Jade. I was lay on my back staring up at the stars in the middle of a field. I felt a pain in my shoulder and leg but refused to register the throb. The alcohol had worn off through shock and hearing Jade had begun an adrenaline rush which pushed me through the pain. I pulled myself up to my feet looking back at the carnage behind. The wreckage of what once had been a taxi was lay on the road a fire burning steadily from the bonnet, on the other side of the road was another car wrapped around a tree. The breath left my lungs as I stared not understanding what had just happened. My brain was working at 100 miles per second trying to process and keep calm. I need to find the girls. My thoughts were basic, instinctual and so was my movement. I gritted my teeth through the pain and began my search. I stumbled toward the wreckage hearing glass crunch as I walked. I came to what was left of the driver's door first. The driver's side had taken the brunt of the crash with the passenger side mainly intact. I tried not to throw up as I saw what was left of Mark in what was left of the driver's seat. I tried hard but I couldn't hold it down, I fell to my knees and threw up, glass cut into my hands as I picked myself up eager to leave the corpse behind. Tears were running down my face, if he looked like this what had happened to everyone else? I decided the driver's side was futile, no one could have survived, instead I looked toward the passenger side. I walked around the crushed bonnet and couldn't help but think that if I hadn't have been thrown from the car I would've been crushed. I began to shake through shock but I had to carry on, someone had to be alive.

Slowly I looked around the bonnet and immediately saw someone lay beside the car. I ran up to the blood covered girl leaning down beside her. It was Jesy.

'Jesy!' I shouted as I fell to my knees beside her, I felt her neck for a pulse praying to anyone to not let her be dead. I squeezed my eyes shut as I waited, 'Please' I whispered. My heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to break through my chest. Tears blurred my vision as I felt Jesy's neck refusing to acknowledge the possibility, my stomach flipped at the thought. I couldn't be left here alone, I needed these girls, they are my life.

'Please' My words were barely a whisper, a final plea. Somehow my prayers were answered and I felt Jesy's pulse beating under finger. I let out a small whimper, feeling so thankful she wasn't dead. I began to cry at the relief but was distracted by movement inside the car. I looked up in disbelief; no one could have survived that crash without being thrown from the car. I slowly crawled toward the car my breath rattling my chest. A moan of pain escaped a figure inside the car but I couldn't make out who it was. I could barely see anything, the only light source was the moon hitting the inside of the car making it look cold and dark. The crash seemed mocking as if it were laughing in my face, challenging me to hold the belief that anyone could have survived. I began to look away, to continue my search elsewhere. I knew that anyone who was in the wreck couldn't have survived.

'Someone, HELP!' the cry came from inside the car again, disbelief shot through me but hope burned stronger.

'Leigh-Anne? Is that you?'

'Oh my god Perrie, get me the fuck out of here!' her words were rushed and filled with panic.

'Ok, I'll get you out now, can you move?' silence. 'Leigh can you move!' Still silence, 'please answer me Leigh' I was almost to her when I heard take in a sharp breath.

'Perrie… Tulisa.. she's next to me….' She burst into tears. I heard her whimper as I began to remember, Tulisa had been sat on the driver's side with Leigh in the middle.

'It's ok, let's get you out first' I struggled to keep my voice calm, there was no use in both of us panicking. 'Can you move?'

'Yes' came the almost inaudible reply,

'Ok, hold my hand' I reached my hand inside the wreckage feeling for Leigh-Anne's. Eventually I felt it blood soaked and shaking.

'Ok now you try and move as best you can as I pull you out' I had no idea what to do whether it was best to leave her or to help her get out. So many things were running through my head, would the car explode? Would we all be ok? Still no sign of Jade. I quickly pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind.

Leigh began inching toward me, I could see her more clearly now. She wasn't being pinned by the wreck but it looked there was something over her that was pinning her right side down. I felt sick rise in my throat again as I realised it was Tulisa. She had covered Leigh in the crash.

'Hold it in Perrie' I screamed to myself. Slowly Leigh began to work free until she fell on top of me.

'Leigh, are you hurt? Can you move?' My questions were urgent and rapid.

'I… don't know Perrie, I can't think' I heard her begin to sob. I hugged her quickly before helping her to Jesy.

'Leigh you need to try and wake her up ok?' She looked up at me with such fear, looking me up and down,

'Perrie your arm' she sounded so concerned,

'I can't look at it, I need to find Jade' and before she could panic me more I took off looking for the last member of my new family.

The pain was becoming unbearable now but the thought of Jade awake somewhere and alone pushed me on.

'Jade!' I shouted. Silence. I walked to the side of the road, 'Jade! Where the fuck are you?' I was shouting, worry chilling my bones, 'JADE!' I screamed. Silence.

I fell to the ground my strength finally failing, what would I do without Jade? Tears streamed from my eyes, and soon I was bawling into my hands.

'Perrie' the voice was so quiet I thought I'd imagined it. I sniffed and tried to stay silent,

'Perrie' there it was again, the undeniable sound of Jade.

'Jade I'm coming, hold on' I began to crawl toward where I'd heard the voice. My legs had given up on me making walking impossible but I had to get to Jade. I reached a small ditch in the side of the road where Jade lay. She was lay on her back, her right arm was coated dark in what I can only assume was blood. Her clothes were stained but none of that bothered me. It was her face that bothered me, she looked so scared.

'It's ok Jade, I'm here now, I'm here and I'm going to get you out of here and you're going to be ok' I prayed I sounded reassuring because I felt far from confident myself. Jade's eyes were full of fear but also showed some faith in me which I only hoped I could fulfil.

'Can you move?'

'I don't know, Perrie?' Her voice sounded so small and timid 'I'm scared' My heart squeezed.

'It's ok, I'm here, I'll get you out, I promise. I'm going to try and lift you out, ok?'

'Ok' Jade's answer was quiet. I moved to her and hooked my arm under her head and her legs under my other. I mustered all the energy I could and prepared to push through the pain.

1…2…3… I counted in my mind,

'Ready?' Jade nodded her reply and I screamed as I attempted to move her, my body however had given out on me and I couldn't carry her. I fell down no longer able to move from the pain. Tears fell as I was blinded by the pain shooting through my body. I was sat half in the ditch beside Jade who was rested on me bent at an awkward angle.

'I'm sorry Jade, I can't' Tears fell down my face, I was useless.

Jade didn't say anything she just moved her hand and held onto mine tightly. Her fingers were freezing, they felt like ice against mine, I wanted to help her, to help the group. I wanted to fix everything to go back before the crash and have Tulisa beside us. I gave Jade's hand one last squeeze before the world began to turn foggy. In the distance I could hear sirens approaching. I let my body take the rest it had been begging for. All the adrenaline was now gone from my body and the pain had returned, I was crashing. I welcomed the release as the darkness clouded my mind.


	4. Chapter 3

(Perrie)

I'm dreaming of the whole band together with Tulisa as we won the X-Factor, as Dermot called our name and our world changed forever. I have never been happier than I was in that moment. The dream shifted and I'm sat with Jesy, Jade and Leigh-Anne writing for our new album. Jade is sitting in front of the piano her fingers gliding across the ivory sending bone chilling melodies into the air like wisps of joy. I sit with my guitar strumming chords and singing as Jesy and Leigh-Anne come in with harmonies that melt the piece together. I am absolutely content with the moment with my family, a small smile glides across my face as the dream shifts again but I am too tired to keep up. I let my mind run free leaving me resting in a place in between.

(Jade)

I had always found it odd how sounds from your surroundings can integrate into your sub-conscious, before I opened my eyes I could hear the steady beeping of the monitors around me. My eyes flickered open as I turned to see Jesy sat in a chair at the bottom of my bed in a hospital gown. She was bruised all over and had a huge gash across her forehead.

'Jes' my voice cracked at its first use, her eyes flickered up toward me welling up immediately.

'Oh my god Jade, you scared me' she clutched at my hand holding it tight and kissing it. I smiled; Jesy always has been the mam of the group.

'Is everyone ok?' I asked suddenly remembering Perrie, Leigh-Anne and Tulisa.

'Leigh-Anne is asleep at the moment but she's been waking up every now and then and she's responding properly, It's a miracle she's not dead' Jesy burst out crying, oh no, my heart was in my mouth.

'Who?' I asked afraid of her answer,

'Tulisa' She cried freely now. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Tulisa had to be here, in a bed like me, getting well. I shook my head, not believing her,

'She… died in the crash, she saved Leigh' Jesy said sobbing. My eyes stung and tears sprang free, I couldn't believe it. Tulisa had done so much for us, how could she be gone? I felt sick. I reached for the bed pan that was beside me as I threw up into it. My mind was racing, how could this happen?

'Perrie?' I remembered suddenly, oh god please let Perrie be alive.

'We're still waiting for her to wake up' Jesy stopped to dry her eyes only to cry more, 'She pushed herself to get us all out, the doctors said it was amazing she managed to be any help at all'.

'But she is going to wake up though? Right?'

'We don't know yet.' Jesy's sentence was short and felt like a knife stabbing into my heart. I began to shake uncontrollably. Jesy looked up at me fearfully,

'Jade, calm down' her words were strong and reassuring 'Perrie's going to be ok, she a trooper that girl. She's survived this much she can make it the rest of the way'. I began to slow down my breathing. Memories were shooting through my mind. I remembered the feeling of lying in that ditch thinking about how this could be it, until I heard Perrie and somehow I knew everything would be ok. When I saw her face come into view I felt safe and the guilt I felt as she screamed and cried as she tried to pick me up was unbearable. She always did everything she could for me and there was nothing I could do for her as she lay somewhere in this hospital alone. I remembered the moment as I heard the sirens and I turned round to tell Perrie that everything would be ok but got no reply, no matter how I tried I couldn't wake her up. I lay beside her seeing her chest rise and fall in an irregular pattern, feeling completely useless as I just watched and prayed she'd be alive in the morning.

I needed to see her but I knew that wouldn't be possible yet. I lay back closing my eyes as Jesy took hold of my hand.

'What about me?' I asked fearfully, I knew I was hurt but didn't know the extent of my injuries.

'You've dislocated your shoulder, fractured your arm and broken seven ribs' I just stared at Jesy, if I was hurt this much how hurt would the rest of them be? How hurt would Perrie be?

'What about you?' I looked at Jesy fearfully,

'I'm ok, I'm the lucky one, I just have cuts and bruising. Leigh wasn't quite as lucky. She has a broken arm and some pretty serious cuts. If it weren't for Tulisa I don't think we'd still have her with us Jade' The reality and weight of Jesy's words hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn't process all of this information as fast as I was being provided with it.

I was in shock, we were lucky to be alive. The thought of the alternative scared me too much to even entertain at the moment. I breathed a sigh of relief as the doctor walked in, he looked up toward me and smiled.

'Well it's nice to see you awake' His smile was wide and genuine, his eyes felt safe as I looked up at him.

'When can I go and see Perrie?' I asked frantically making Jesy smile slightly although none of it touched her eyes.

'Soon, let's just concentrate on your first. Your ribs are going to be pretty sore for the next few days, then we'll get you in a wheelchair and you can go and see her'

'Thank you' I was hugely grateful to the doctor, I knew that it would usually be a lot longer recovery time, he was letting me off easy. 'She is going to wake up isn't she? I mean she was walking around at the crash, she found us all so she has to be ok right?' My voice became more hysterical with each word, I just wanted the doctor to tell me that everyone would be ok. The doctor looked at me for a moment before standing closer to me,

'I'm not going to lie to you Miss. Thirlwall and I think you can handle whatever I tell you but please just bear in mind that we are doing everything we can for Miss. Edwards. She literally is a miracle already, all of the Doctors and staff here and completely dumbfounded and shocked by that fact that she was physically able to move. She was thrown from a car and if she hadn't of landed on the grass she wouldn't be here now. When we got you all to the hospital there were a few complications with Miss. Edwards, her body went into a severe case of shock and complications keep arising all the time. Now as I said she is a miracle and I'm amazed she made it this far. The good news is that she is here in a hospital where we can offer her all the attention she needs in order to wake her up again, and trust me when I say she is a fighter.' I took in his words slowly as I just nodded my head in reply,

'Alright well I'll come back and check on you soon' My eyes followed him out of the room before moving to Jesy's. She stared at me neither of us speaking nor needing to, there was a mutual understanding between the two of us that we wouldn't give up hope for Perrie.

Still those few days couldn't go soon enough. The days were full of Jesy sitting with me as we healed not only our wounds but our broken hearts as well. We cried, laughed and healed together. The doctors would come in and check my charts and tell me how lucky I am to be alive, how lucky we all are. I know that I am lucky but I can't help slipping into a dark place. I have nightmares of the crash every night, remembering every detail far too perfectly. I cry when Jesy isn't around so she doesn't worry but I need Perrie, I need a Geordie.

Time moved so slowly in the hospital. I hated being trapped in my little room not knowing what was happening with anyone else. Jesy tries to keep me informed but she has to be with Leigh-Anne as well. I was happy to hear that Leigh was better and was going to come and see me soon but trying to accept this cruel joke of our lives as reality was difficult. Arrangements were going ahead for Tulisa's funeral and the doctors reassured me, Jesy and Leigh-Anne that with assistance we can attend but have to return immediately after to finish observation. The doctors really were trying to help us in any way possible. They were extra vigilant of visitors making sure that no paps could sneak in and we were all grateful. The last thing we needed was pictures of ourselves in this state in the papers.

I sat up with my Sudoku book resting on my lap. I bit the end of my pen as I contemplated the positioning of the numbers. My days had been filled with Sudoku recently, there wasn't really much else to do. I heard the door open and looked up lazily to see Jesy followed by Leigh-Anne. My eyes widened as I took in the sight of her. She was standing independently but her face was like I had never seen it before. Cuts and bruises stained her unnaturally pale skin and her arm hung beside her in a thick cast. Her eyes looked at me hollow and dull, there was only a flicker of a smile as I said her name with such relief.

'Come here' I needed to help her, to comfort her. She was like a completely different person. She crawled onto the bed beside me resting her head on my chest as I hugged her. I looked down at her before looking up at Jesy. She was staring at Leigh with worry dominating her expression.

'How're you doing?' my gaze returned back to the girl beside me as I spoke,

'Jade…' she was trying to speak but tears were forcing her to be silent. I hugged her tighter as she cried until she was ready to speak. 'She was there beside me smiling and laughing' she inhaled deeply 'and then when I woke up she was lay against me and she was so cold and still' a whimper escaped her mouth as she buried her head trying to escape reality. I struggled to find words that would comfort my friend but there was little I could say. I just reassured her quietly with my arms wrapped around her. I told her that we would get back to normality and we would make an album in memory of Tulisa. Slowly but surely I began to feel as though I was getting through to Leigh. Her smile returned and we found enjoyable topics to discuss instead of thinking about the crash.

'Imagine if we get a number 1!' Jesy beamed imagining the possibility of our success 'Do you think we might?'

'I hope so and I'm pretty sure the mixers will help us out, we were trending on twitter the other day' I laughed at the memory. The atmosphere in the room was warm and welcoming and felt so comfortable. My eyelids felt heavy as I settled down into a more comfortable position.

'You're looking pretty tired Jadey' Leigh laughed,

'Yeah we'll leave you to it and come and see you tomorrow' I was grateful for Jesy's suggestion as I yawned widely making Leigh chuckle,

'Night guys, love you both' I didn't open my eyes as I spoke just lay there.

'Love you too' I heard before the door shut. I breathed deeply before settling into one of the best sleeps I had had in some time.


	5. Chapter 4

(Jade)

Eventually I was allowed to go and see Perrie. I had built myself up so much for this moment I hadn't anticipated how anxious I would feel. I wasn't at all sure what to expect, how bad would her injuries be and could I stomach seeing my best friend in such a state? I quickly however came to the decision that my feelings were irrelevant and I needed to be there for Perrie as she always is for me. Jesy helped me into the wheel chair, movement was agonising but I didn't care. She took me to Perrie's room and then left me alone with my unconscious best friend. I cried when I first saw her, she looked so battered. She had gone through the windscreen of the car and landed on her side ripping open her arm and shattering the bone, she also fractured her leg and had ripped the skin from her thigh not to mention the extensive bruising. The biggest worry though was the possibility of a brain injury and the amount of wires coming from her head just worried me more. The doctors said that she was a walking miracle around the crash, they can't understand how she did it. I traced her cuts with my eyes and felt the tears coming again. I took hold of her hand and squeezed.

'Hey Perry, I don't know if you can hear me but I need you to wake up now, I need you here. Everyone is so sad and I need you to make things better, please Pez' I broke down beside her, resting my head on her bed. I wasn't sure what to expect, I had hoped that upon walking into the room my presence would work a miracle and Perrie would wake up. Sadly however it didn't work that way, Perrie just lay there. Tubes plugged into her nose and wrist, monitors strapped to her chest and head. Looking at her made me feel sick with worry, what if she didn't wake up?

Thankfully the doctors were extremely pleased with my progress so they let me sit with her for as long as I wanted as long as I didn't push myself. I found comfort in sitting next to Perrie even if she wasn't awake, her presence soothed me in a way no other could. Wrapped in the comfort Perrie provided and listening to her steady breathing I let my eyes shut as I rested my head on her bed praying for her eyes to open.

Time passed extremely slowly. I felt like I had been waiting a lifetime for Perrie to wake up. I had gotten used to the constant swing of life in the hospital. I would have breakfast and then head to Perrie's room, clutching my Sudoku book I would sit in the chair beside her waiting for her to open her eyes again. I would never forgive myself if she woke up alone after everything that had happened and everything she had done for us. I wished that I had been as brave as Perrie, pushing through the pain and putting my family first, instead I just lay in a ditch useless. It seemed ironic that I was up and moving around when Perrie lay beside me still unconscious. I tried to maintain my respect and admiration for the doctors but Perrie wasn't improving or worsening, she was just the same, still unconscious and not with us. I was beginning to get frustrated. She had been awake, at the crash she had been walking around but now nothing could wake her up. Upon quizzing the doctor I had been informed that Perrie had put her body through so much stress she had effectively put herself into a semi-coma. They said it was just a waiting game, we just had to wait for her to wake up when she was ready.

'Jade?' Jesy walked in through the door looking apprehensive,

'What's wrong?'

'You forgot, it's the funeral today' I had been so busy with Perrie I'd completely forgot. Fuck. I did not want to go to a funeral, especially not Tulisa's. Jesy handed me a bag with a change of clothes folded neatly inside of it.

'Leigh's getting ready, I'll meet you in the hall in fifteen' Jesy stood for a moment and stared at Perrie. I knew she was hurting as much as me and we were all feeling frustrated. She let out a heavy sigh and shook her head slightly before turning back to me and attempting a smile before she walked out of the door.

I got ready without looking at what I was wearing. I didn't care what I was wearing; I was more concerned about the funeral. I was worried about the whole ordeal, I'd been so focused on Perrie I hadn't had a chance to really think about Tulisa and anytime I did the pain in my heart became unbearable. I walked toward the mirror and attempted to cover my cuts and bruises with make-up, not that it really helped much. Deep browns and blacks dotted my face refusing to be forgotten. I sighed hanging my head down. There surely would be paparazzi outside the church and we hadn't had to face them yet. I was afraid of the reception we might receive, I was afraid of what people would think of us with our injuries. I turned to look at Perrie still asleep. Today was going to be unbearable and not having my best friend beside me was only going to make everything harder. I walked toward her bed as a single tear fell from my eye.

'I wish you could be here with me today' I whispered as I squeezed her hand before leaving the room and heading down the hallway.


	6. Chapter 5

(Jade)

The car picked us up from outside the hospital as we headed to the funeral. I looked at the two girls sat beside me. They both sat completely still with their expressions dull and no words were exchanged between any of us. Leigh-Anne was busy staring out of the window while Jesy was picking at her finger nails pulling off the fresh nail polish. Both of the girls were dressed in simple black dresses, it was clear our stylist had tried to take into consideration our bruises as more skin than usual was hidden. It didn't however hide the evidence from the crash. The gash across Jesy's forehead was still raised and angry and Leigh's arm hung heavy in a cast on her lap. I sighed looking out of the window, fear rising with every mile we covered.

Eventually the car slowed down and I sat up in anticipation. We were barely even at the church when the flashing began. The car was surrounded with paparazzi as Leigh-anne attempted to climb out of the car. Jesy turned to me and took hold of my hand, I was grateful for the support and with the inevitable onslaught of people trying to get the best shot of us I was glad that I wouldn't be lost in the crowd. I got out of the car after Jesy and through instinct turned back to the car to help Perrie, my hand was out stretched toward nothing as I stared into the empty car. My heart squeezed as Jesy tugged on my arm pulling me back to reality and toward the church.

'You ok?' Jesy asked quietly into my ear,

'Yeah' I muttered my reply as I attempted to make my way through a crowd of overly persistent paparazzi. Usually we were more than happy to stand and have our pictures taken but all of us just wanted this day to be over.

We reached the church and instead of the madness of outside we were immediately greeted by the sadness the event held. We were seated toward the front of the church and as we walked down the aisle which seemed to stretch for an extensive period of time I would catch glances from people. I would see a woman crying into her husband's jacket; however upon seeing us she would lift her head and give us a look of utter sorrow and would subsequently proceed to cry louder. This happened repeatedly until finally we reached our seats. I sat gratefully with Jesy beside me, she still had her fingers intertwined in mine and it felt like my only comfort in the world at that moment.

We had been sat for only a short while when I noticed Anne; Tulisa's mother was making her way toward us. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy from when she had been crying but she was clearly trying to keep herself together at the moment. We had met Anne on a few occasions and had often gone round to Tulisa's house for dinner and her mam had joined us. I attempted a smile as she reached us,

'Girls thank you so much for coming, I'm glad you were able to make it. I know that Tulisa would have wanted you here' at the mention of her daughter's name I could see her struggle but she took a breath a pushed on 'I hope that Perrie wakes up soon and you girls will have to come round to the house whenever you can'

'That would be lovely, thank you' Jesy's voice was strong and sincere as Anne smiled at us before leaving to take her seat.

I think the funeral was the hardest thing I've ever sat through in my life. Everyone was crying and the emotions seemed to flow in waves through the church, echoing and forcing everyone else to cry. I could hear Leigh-anne crying into Jesy's shoulder, Jesy had tears streaming down her own face as she cried silently. Initially I sat focusing on everything that wasn't related to the funeral but as I turned to see the coffin being carried to the front of the church I felt as though I had just been stabbed in the heart. My eyes welled up immediately as the tears racked forcing me to fall into my hands. I couldn't handle so much pain; everywhere I looked someone was in pain. People were standing up at the front of the church and talking about things that I couldn't concentrate on, I would catch the odd words but every time her name was said more pain was added to the overflowing pile inside of me. I looked down at my hands as they shook uncontrollably, my vision blurred as more tears fell onto my open palms. I was distracted suddenly by a name I couldn't ignore. I looked to the front of the church to see Anne stood on the podium, her voice echoing through the church and the heart and soul of every person in it.

'I feel as though the girls of Little Mix deserve a mention in this ceremony. My daughter loved them as though they were her own and she was so proud of you girls' she was looking at us now, her gaze boring into me and forcing more emotions up. I felt trapped as she carried on speaking through tears 'These girls were with Tulisa in her last moments and I know that you winning was the greatest moment of her life' My breathing was speeding up and air suddenly became difficult for me to take in, I felt as though I was suffocating as Anne's words broke my heart repeatedly. I couldn't control myself as I stood up and made my way toward the back of the church her words still screaming in my mind.

'She would have given anything for you and our love goes out to Perrie' my heart broke again as I gasped trying to escape the pain. I could see people staring at me in shock as I began to run. The pain in my chest as my body groaned against my actions was barely even recognisable as I reached the doors breaking through them trying to find a safe and happy place. Slowly the voices and pain of the ceremony was little more than a muffled sound as I stood on the stairs of the church. The sun glared down on me as I fell to my knees losing all control of myself. I had no concept of time, of thought of being. Everything I was I forgot about, the world and everyone in it was being swallowed up by the pain.

'Come on Jade let's go' Jesy picked me up from behind and began to pull me toward the car that was waiting for us. I hadn't even heard her come out. 'It's ok' Jesy kept speaking softly trying to comfort both me and Leigh-anne as tears fell down her own face. Shakily I opened the door of the car and jumped in eager to be driven away from this place.

I fell into Perrie's room heading straight over to her as tears fell onto the sheets. I pulled a chair as close to her as I physically could as I held her hand and let myself slump against her. Her warmth was comforting and her breathing calmed me. I felt her warmth seep into me and soothe my aching heart.

'Perrie' I moaned 'Please, wake up, if you wake up I will do absolutely anything you want' I knew that talking to Perrie wouldn't do anything but sharing my problems with her felt so natural 'I had to leave the funeral, it hurt too much Pez, I couldn't do it without you'

I lay like that beside her for what felt like an eternity. When I first felt it, I thought I was imagining it. Perrie's arm twitched under me. I sat bolt upright immediately and stared up at her,

'Come on Perrie, wake up!' Oh my god, my mind was racing. She'd heard me! She'd heard me say that I needed her and she was waking up, I stood beside her as she twitched again and a smile broke out across my face. Perrie was waking up. I stood staring at her and talking to her for a while as nothing happened. I stared down at her confused as she twitched again more violently this time. Fuck. She wasn't waking up, she was having some sort of fit. I was frozen on the spot as her entire body began to shake violently. The monitors began beeping loudly as a nurse ran into the room. I watched as Perrie's eyes flew open but there was no pupil there, no iris only white. Her body carried on convulsing as the nurse ran to the door and began shouting down the hallway,

'She's having an epileptic seizure, get me a doctor' she ran back inside and continued to check Perrie's vitals as a full team burst through the room. I was shoved out of the way as the nurses began to crowd her convulsing form. I just stood in the corner shaking lightly from shock.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

(Jade)

'Do we need a room?'

'Is she stabilising?'

'Someone check her'

The doctors were all shouting asking questions frantically however I heard few answers to the questions asked. I stood still waiting for someone to say something positive. The machines beside Perrie were still beeping frantically and the crowd of doctors were checking her and the machines that surrounded her. I watched in horror, helpless horror. I could see her through a break in between the nurse's bodies. She hadn't stopped fitting, if anything it had become more violent, her limbs moved at their own accord and I could hear her breathing staggered and struggling. I closed my eyes wishing for the scene in front of me to disappear. I just stood and prayed that she would be ok.

'Wait, she's stabilising' I held my breath praying harder,

After a moment of intensity the nurses stepped out of the room leaving the doctor to carry out his checks. After a few minutes of pocking, prodding and shining light in her eyes he seemed satisfied.

'Is she alright?' I was afraid to ask,

'She's fine, it was just a fit but she's over it now. She's stable again so don't worry.'

I sat down beside her almost crying from relief as I saw her chest rise and fall normally. The doctor left me with Perrie. I contemplated going to get Jesy and Leigh-anne but my eyes felt tired and the comfort of being beside a stable Perrie was too much for me to leave. I rested my head on her bed and tried to calm myself from the events of the day.

(Perrie)

I woke up suddenly feeling so tired, I thought for a moment but couldn't seem to place where I was. I closed my eyes breathing deeply. Suddenly however I remembered, the crash, the bodies. I turned to look to my side and saw the monitors, I was in hospital. Slowly I took in everything around me. I saw Jade, her head resting on the end of my bed slumped in an uncomfortable position. Her face was covered in cuts and bruises, I closed my eyes anger building inside of me. I was trying not to wake her but tears racked my body. Tulisa is dead. I saw Tulisa dead. I saw Mark dead. I thought my best friends were dead. It seemed obvious to me, it was my fault. That arsehole wouldn't have crashed if not for me. If we had of just taken the normal route home, we wouldn't have been on that road and I distracted him. I scolded myself, why the hell was I so stupid? Because of me people are dead. Fuck, I should be dead. I saw Jade stir, she can't see me like this, I forced my anger down,

'Jade' her head shot up tears already falling,

'Oh my god, Perrie I was so scared, I thought you were never going to wake up and then I'd have no one' she burst into tears. I held her hand tightly,

'It's ok Jade, I'm awake, I'm ok, look at me' Jade looked up at me,

'We're going to get through this together ok?' She nodded and my heart squeezed.

She stared at me for a few minutes not seeming to believe that I was really awake. I watched as her face changed between looks of disbelief and utter joy, slowly she was beginning to accept that I really was awake. However when she reached acceptance instead of being happy she completely broke down. I had never seen her like this; tears were falling faster than her eyes could form them, her hands shakily reached up to her face covering her breakdown from my view. What had happened to her while I had been asleep?

'Jade, come here' she looked at me once before lying beside me on my bed. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she rested her head against my chest. I sat still until her crying subsided and she felt as though she could talk.

'Perrie, it's been horrible, I thought you weren't going to wake up, I thought you were going to die' she breathed slowly trying to gather herself. I just lay quietly letting her speak in her own time 'Then we had the funeral today and I couldn't do it without you I had to leave, everyone was so sad and Anne was talking about us and Tulisa' she whispered Tulisa's name as I sat taking in what she was saying. I can't believe I'd missed the funeral, first of all it was my fault she was dead and then I wasn't even awake to go to the funeral. Tears streamed down my face as I looked down at Jade. She was dressed in a black dress with a bow in her hair. My thoughts were interrupted as she carried on talking. 'Then I came back here, and I thought you were waking up, I thought you'd heard me and you were waking up for me but you were having a fit, I thought you were going to die'

'Jade, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there and I'm sorry you had to see that but I'm here now. Jade look at me' she craned her neck and stared into my eyes searching for the safe haven she'd been praying for 'I'm ok, we're all ok and I'm not going to leave again I promise' she nodded her breathing slowing as she lay her head down again. I lay there in silence shocked at what Jade had said, a fit? I'd never had a fit in my life, what the fuck was happening? I felt as though this was just some sick joke, that any minute I'd wake up and none of this would have happen. However the pain from my body and the memory of the crash shot through me forcing me to never forget. I relished in the pain the accident had left me in, it was deserved.

I rested my head against the pillow as I tightened my grip on Jade's waist seeking comfort in her familiar being as slowly my eyes began to close.

'Oh my god, Perrie' I woke up to my name, opening my eyes slowly I felt Jade still asleep against me her breathing deep and steady. I glanced toward the door and saw both Jesy and Leigh-anne stood tears forming in their eyes. They came into the room and pulled up two chairs beside me. I had never seen Leigh-anne and Jesy speechless before but they couldn't muster words, they just sat their smiling and crying.

'I'm so glad to see you' Leigh-anne managed to mutter 'we all thought we were going to lose you'

'But you didn't, I'm here, our little family's intact' as soon as the words left my mouth I looked down my body registering the gaping hole in my heart and finding no Tulisa to fill it with.

'We'll be ok' Jesy words were confident and I almost believed her.

'So, when the hell am I getting out of this fucking place?' I asked the question louder than I had intended and felt Jade stir against me. She glanced up at Jesy and Leigh-anne before closing her eyes again,

'Perrie's awake guys' she mumbled,

'Yeah, cheers Jade' Jesy joked 'Hopefully soon, this place is driving us all crazy. Have you seen the doctor yet?'

'No, nobody's been in since I've been awake'

'Well since I'm not on crutches and Jade is dead to the world I guess I'll go and get him' Jesy shot Leigh-anne a look as she spoke, Jesy attempted to hit her with her crutch as Leigh-anne dodged making a run for the door. I looked over at Jesy. She sat smiling slightly but the stress and weight of what she had been dealing with lately showed clearly on her face.

'How have you been, with the funeral and all?' I asked quietly still hating the fact that I'd missed it,

'It was absolutely horrific, it was bad enough having to sit and listen to everything with the coffin at the front of the church but Jade just made everything harder' she was speaking slowly fighting to get through each word. She sighed at the memory. 'I've never seen her like that Pez, in fact I've never seen her like she has been lately'

I was sat thinking about what Jesy had just said when Leigh-anne walked in with the doctor. Leigh walked around to Jade and shook her softly,

'Jade, Jade, come on, wake up the doctor's here to see Perrie' Jade rolled away and I immediately missed her warmth.

'Well, it's amazing to see you awake' I looked up at his face, his smile was wide and genuine. He looked at each of us and shook his head slightly. 'I guess we should check you then to see when we can get you girls home'

'Oh my god, yes please' Leigh-anne muttered pulling up a chair for Jade to sit in.

The doctor began his checks, shining lights in my eyes and tapping the monitors. I was completely compliant to whatever he suggested, I'd always hated hospitals and I'd do anything to leave this one.

'Well you've responded properly to everything and while you've been asleep your body has recovered well. I guess you can get home as soon as you are mobile and healed and the rest of you will be ready to leave in the next few days also' He smiled at each of us as he delivered the good news. I was so grateful for his words. I wanted to be back in mine and Jade's flat comfortable and back in some form of normality. The doctor turned his attention solely back to me.

'Miss Edwards since the accident you have been experiencing fits. There was also a worry of brain damage but you have responded properly to all the tests so you will have to have a scan to be safe and you will have to return for some checks but assuming that all goes well then you are perfectly healthy. You girls should know how lucky you are and we're all glad to see you awake and well. If there's anything we can do for any of you just let us know' He smiled before leaving. As soon as the door shut Jade got up and lay back beside me,

'You'll be ok Pez' she said as she reached for my hand squeezing it tightly. I took a moment looking around at the girls that surrounded me. The moment seemed perfect but Tulisa was still strong in my mind. I found comfort in the body beside me but still the guilt burned like a fire eating me up from the inside out.


	8. Chapter 7

(Perrie)

After a few days of observation we were discharged on the condition that I would return for scheduled checks and scans. I agreed solely on the need to escape this place that had the heavy feel of death and felt claustrophobic to me. My room seemed to suffocate me and keep all of my feelings and guilt pressed constantly against my chest. I needed to move, to be free and to breathe the fresh air. Luckily we managed to sneak out of the hospital without being bombarded by paparazzi and after a short car journey I was walking into my flat with Jade as if nothing had happened.

Jade seemed happier than she had been since the accident. She was smiling again and was excited about being home and focusing on the new album. I watched her mouth move rapidly as we sat together on the couch. She was discussing her ideas for the album.

'Jade, slow down, just enjoy being home for five minutes before we start thinking about the album' I laughed lightly feeling comfortable but as soon as the words left my lips Jade's mood changed. Her eyes dropped to the floor and she held her mug closer to herself as though I had just told her to 'shut the fuck up'.

'What's wrong? What did I say?' rapidly I repeated my sentence in my mind but could find no fault or trigger hidden in my words. Jade let out a slow ragged breath as a tear left her eye.

'When you were asleep, the first time Leigh came to see me she was so upset. She was crying about Tulisa and I said that we'd dedicate the album to her' I listened to her feeling the claustrophobia and guilt building up again 'At first it was just an idea but since the funeral I feel like it's the only good thing we can do with our lives now' She was crying harder now and I felt tears sting my eyes. I wanted to tell Jade that I understood, that I was hurting as much as her but I couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't burden her with my problems. 'What are we supposed to do now Perrie? Without Tulisa' She was looking straight in my eyes searching for an answer I couldn't dream of possessing. As I searched to the depths of my soul and heart I kept coming back empty, I had nothing I could offer my best friend by way of an apology. My anger built as she dragged her eyes away from my blank face and back to the floor. I needed to get out of here, I didn't want to leave Jade like this but I couldn't tell her that it was my fault, what would she say? She'd blame me for having no Tulisa to confide in. My emotions were beginning to boil over as I searched frantically for an escape route.

'I'm sorry' was all I could muster before I made a break for the door leaving Jade upset and alone.

I walked until my chest and legs burned. I was searching for a form of release and although at first I refused to acknowledge it I knew there was only one thing that could help me. I walked into the first off licence I found and bought the first thing I saw. I left the shop my hands fumbling through the packaging aching for the contents, eventually however I brought the fag up to lips and lit it quickly breathing in deeply. Immediately the world seemed to clear. I hadn't smoked since before I'd applied for the x-factor, however I felt as though I had never stopped. The nicotine in my system created an odd pocket of clarity I could access free of guilt. The burning sensation in my lungs and the effect smoking caused served as adequate punishment for my actions. As I began to walk back toward the flat I felt a pang of guilt, I had left Jade, I had left Jade upset. I hung my head low and lit another fag breathing deeply. The feeling of clarity rushed over me again as I realised that I would have been little help to her anyway, she's better without me getting involved. She'll be able to confide in Jesy far better than she could me.

Satisfied I climbed the stairs and entered the flat. The lights were off and there was no sign of Jade. I walked down the hallway throwing my bag into my room before heading to hers. I had my hand on the handle before I remembered. Jade couldn't know I was smoking. I walked into the bathroom washing my hands and brushing my teeth before spraying deodorant on myself.

I walked into her room and could make out the figure of her curled up on her bed. I began to walk toward her,

'Perrie?' her voice was sleepy,

'Yeah, it's me Jade' I made my way toward the bed and sat down beside her. She shuffled over giving me enough room to lie comfortably. 'I'm sorry Jade. I'm sorry I left you' she lay silent as my apology seemed to bounce off her.

'Where did you go?' her question was short,

'I just had to go, I needed to walk to do something, I felt suffocated'

'We're all struggling Perrie. The difference is the rest of us talk to each other about it, we don't just leave each other' I closed my eyes feeling the sting from her words as if she'd just slapped me 'I sat beside you every day while you were asleep, Perrie. I lay beside you just wishing and praying for you to open your eyes. I needed you more than anything but I got through and still I sat beside you waiting. Then finally you woke up and I'd never been happier, my best friend was back. I thought that I could confide in you and you in me and together we could get through this. It didn't cross my mind that when things got tough you'd leave. You said in the hospital, you said we'd get through it together and I believed you' She was crying through her words. I felt unbearably guilty.

'Jade, you have to believe me, I'm sorry' I sat up seeing her face in the strip of light that streamed in through the break in the curtain. Her words made me feel as though I had just been stabbed in the chest and tears flowed freely down my face. 'I won't leave you again when you need me, I promise, I'm sorry' she stayed silent for a long time just calming down. Eventually her breathing returned to normal but the guilt hadn't left me. I wanted a fag, I wanted the clarity but I'd promised and so I pushed down the urge and looked down at Jade. She looked up at me and slowly moved her hand till it was laced in mine. I gently squeezed her hand and she squeezed mine in response.

'I'm sorry Jade' my voice was quiet, careful.

'I know you are, just promise you won't leave me again'

'I promise' and I meant it. Slowly I leant toward Jade, I kissed her head and let go of her hand. 'Goodnight babe, I'll see you in the morning'

'Night Perrie' I left her room and went into mine. Climbing into the cold bed I closed my eyes tight and tried to stop my thought process. I wanted silence and I think eventually I was granted it.


	9. Chapter 8

(Perrie)

I was back at the crash again. I stumbled around trying to find somebody but I couldn't see anyone. I could just see the wreck of the car burning slowly. I was alone. I could hear Jade screaming but I couldn't get to her. I couldn't find her just hear her terror running through my mind.

'Jade!' I screamed praying for a reply but was given no answer. Just her scream continued to run through my mind. Her terror was relentless, it ricocheted through my head. I stumbled further seeing a body I began to run toward it.

Tulisa lay on the ground in front of me her clothes bloody, her eyes closed, her skin pale and her chest still. I screamed falling to my knees.

'I'm sorry' I sobbed quietly. A voice ran past me almost as if it was being carried by the wind it was Tulisa's voice.

'Look at what you've done Perrie!' I cried harder muttering my apologies pointlessly.

I heard a noise coming from behind me as I stumbled toward it. Another body came into view. No what was left was hardly a body. It was the remainder of Mark. Crushed tissues and muscle that once made up a body. Suddenly everything became very loud. Jade's scream and Tulisa's anger directed toward me were amplified bouncing and echoing around in my mind. I fell to the floor beside Mark's body. Crying I curled into a ball trying to ignore the blame and pain.

(Jade)

I was woken by her scream. I ran across the hallway toward Perrie's door and flung it open with force. The girl I saw sat on the bed hardly resembled the Perrie I knew. Her eyes were wide and scared, she had her arms wrapped around her legs forming a small insecure ball. My eyes began to sting, all of her fight, determination and confidence had been stripped away leaving just the broken remains.

'Perrie' I whispered as I walked toward her and sat beside her on the bed,

'Jade… I was there again… I was back there… I could hear you screaming and Tulisa was so angry with me… and the… the blood' I watched as the girl I knew to be so strong crumbled with each word of her sentence, tears streamed down her face but none of the pain was escaping with it. I was at a loss, I didn't know what to do so I did the only thing I could think of and pulled Perrie into my chest. She wrapped her arms around my waist as I rested my head upon hers, her sobbing racked my body as I clutched tighter to my weeping friend. I breathed deeply trying to remain the calm one, tears threatened to spill down my face but I forced myself to be strong. I inhaled the sweet smell I had grown to love and know so well, the smell of Perrie. My train of thought was shattered however by Perrie's sudden tensing. She stopped crying and shaking and muttered something indecipherable. It sounded like 'Fuck it' but I wasn't sure.

'What?' I asked as she stood up and grabbed her jacket 'Perrie, what did you sa…' My words were lost by the slamming of the door. I closed my eyes and let my emotions out. Tears streamed down my face dampening my t-shirt as my head hung low. In just a few weeks my life had changed more than I ever thought was possible. I had lost Tulisa who over the course of the X-Factor had become like a mother to me. I had lost her, anger started to boil inside me. Our career was on hold while we recovered and worst of all I had lost my best friend. Since she woke up Perrie had been different, she smiled but none of it brightened her face, her laugh was missing everything that made it unique and she was completely un-reachable. She wouldn't confide in anyone and I couldn't confide in her, I had no idea how to fix things. I'm not the strong one, Perrie is… or was.

She might abandon me but there was no way I was leaving her. I needed her and I know she needed me. I took a few deep breaths collecting myself and stood slowly leaving all of the pain behind. I began to pick my way through all of the rubbish that cluttered Perrie's room. As I was nearing the door I felt my feet begin to slip out from beneath me, sliding on something that Perrie hadn't yet picked up. Feebly I attempted to catch myself on the shelf and instead ended up cutting my arm on the wood and falling to the floor.

'For fuck sake Perrie' I said angrily, my anger rising again. Why couldn't she just pick things up? Slowly I sat up anger coursing through my veins, I was about to go and find her and tell her what for but the red liquid seeping from my arm held me still for a moment. The cut wasn't particularly deep, but the release seemed to offer an odd sense of clarity. My sorrow and grief left my body along with my blood and my anger lessened to a more bearable level. I breathed a deep sigh, I still need to find Perrie, and so with my new found clarity I stood up in search of my flatmate.

I found her stood outside on the balcony of our flat. Her back was toward me as she leaned on the railing, her hood up hiding her blonde hair and leaving just a dark figure behind. I stood looking at her worry and sadness forming inside of me. I wished I could take all the pain away, she seemed so still as she shifted slightly. I watched as wisps of smoke escaped into the night air, running away from this dark apartment. Suddenly my clarity disintegrated and I was left infuriated.

'Perrie?' my voice at first was calm. I heard her sigh and she turned to look at me not hiding the lit fag in her hand. 'What are you doing?' My voice had risen slightly as I fought for the anger to stay inside.

'Smoking.' her answer was blunt and made my anger peak,

'What the fuck Perrie, you gave up smoking a year ago. You gave it up so you could sing, now singing is your career and here you are having a fag on the balcony?'

'Come on Jade, it's not a big deal, don't over react. Plus it's not like we're singing at the moment since the crash anyway' Perrie's voice became quiet toward the end of the sentence and her face dropped, she stared at the floor sullenly as my anger sizzled out.

'You still shouldn't smoke Perrie, we're not going to be on a break forever. Pretty soon we'll be back in the studio and we need your voice' Perrie looked up at me tears building in her eyes reflecting the light as she stared at me,

'It's my fault' she said it so quietly I only just caught the sentence. I was shell shocked, my jaw dropped and I just stared at Perrie. She turned away from me and reached for another fag. My brain mustn't have heard her properly, she can't have just said that.

'What did you just say Perrie?' my voice was quiet. Perrie inhaled deeply letting the breath out as she spoke.

'I said it was my fault.' she over pronounced her words making her statement crystal clear. I began walking toward her as she looked at me, her face streaked with tears, her fag smoking itself at her side. I saw her lip quiver as I reached her and saw her knees buckle. She fell to the cold floor, kneeling and sobbing freely. I sat beside her and hugged her tightly.

'None of this is your fault Perrie, you didn't do anything wrong' Perrie shook inside my arms,

'If I wasn't hammered and flirting and trying to keep us in the car for longer nothing would have happened' she inhaled deeply 'Tulisa wouldn't be dead'.

'What?' I couldn't understand her words; they made no logical sense in my head.

'I wanted us to stay in the car longer so I flirted with the taxi driver and convinced him to take us the long way home. We wouldn't have been on that road if it weren't for me, Tulisa wouldn't be fucking dead and you wouldn't have been hurt.' Her voice cracked and sobs ripped through her body like I'd never seen before.

'Perrie, listen to me. The taxi driver was a fucking arsehole. If he wasn't trying to get in your knickers then the bastard wouldn't have crashed. It has nothing to do with you wanting to take the long way home, it's because of him that it happened. He should have been looking at the road, not you. And as for me? I'm here, I'm with you and I'm safe.'

'But Tulisa isn't.' That was the moment I realised what had happened to Perrie. I had nothing to say, nothing I could say would bring Tulisa back or give Perrie the chance to say goodbye. There was no Mark left to blame and so Perrie was blaming herself. I squeezed her tighter to my chest as she shivered with the cold and emotion.

'Howay Perrie, let's get you inside you're freezing.' I rose pulling Perrie up with me and dragged her into her bedroom. She climbed into bed and pulled the cover around her chin. She looked so small and scared, I often forget that she's the youngest in the group. I couldn't leave her like this.

'Move over Perrie' she didn't put up any fight, she simply rolled over giving me enough room to lie down. I lay down beside her and could hear her quietly crying, she was breaking my heart. I pulled her toward me and hooked my arm around her waist, tucking my knees behind hers to let her know that I was here. She didn't shy away, she moved slightly making herself comfortable and sighed.

'We're going to be ok Perrie. We'll get through this together.'

I closed my eyes relishing in the warmth beside me and a warm feeling of contentment rushed through my soul as I drifted into a peaceful sleep.


	10. Chapter 9

(Perrie)

I woke up to the warmth of Jade at my back and her arm wrapped around my waist, I felt safe and for a moment I had forgotten the accident. I just lay in silence, happy. Sadly however you can't lie in one moment forever. The accident crept back to the front of my mind refusing to let me forget its existence. I felt as though I was being mocked by the memory, as I tried to heal it seemed to stand in my way. Jade helped though, I carefully moved out from the comfort of her sleeping form. I tiptoed across my room and snuck out of the door. I felt guilty about last night, I shouldn't have burdened Jade with my problems, and she's struggling enough as it is without my issues pressing down on her.

I walked out onto the balcony lighting a fag and looking out at the world around me. Everything from up here seemed so normal, people went about their everyday business as me and the girls stayed inside trying to recover from recent events. Life felt as though it was moving extremely slowly, I was getting frustrated with doing nothing. I wanted to be working, recording and promoting. I wanted to see our Little Mixers and bond with them again.

Since I wasn't able to work I settled for the next best thing. Stubbing my fag out I walked into the living room and settled down with my laptop signing into our joint twitter account. I was immediately greeted by a ridiculous amount of messages.

' LittleMixOffic I hope you girls get better soon, can't wait for you to get singing again! #lovelittlemix'

' LittleMixOffic Us Little Mixers love you all and hope you get better soon'

The messages were endless and heartfelt. I carried on scrolling down smiling in only the way the Little Mixers can make me. Jade walked into the room and smiled upon seeing me. I looked up at her as she crossed the room toward me, she rubbed her eyes attempting to wake herself up as she sat down beside me.

'Morning' she spoke quietly,

'Morning' I replied as I turned my gaze back to the laptop and carried on scrolling,

'What're you doing Perrie?' she asked as she leant her head against my shoulder gazing down at the laptop screen. I didn't answer just continued scrolling, there was no need to answer as I felt her smile against my skin. We sat contently scrolling through the seemingly endless stream of tweets. Jade would occasionally laugh and point out her favourites as I felt some of the wall I had been fighting so hard to break began to finally give way. Jade's laughter and soft chatter became like music to my ears. Her voice brought a promise along with its sweet notes. A promise of love and unconditional friendship. I was content in the moment as I read out yet another comment.

' LittleMixOffic Can't wait to see you girls performing again, Love you all!'

Abruptly though I was stopped by one comment,

'R.I.P Tulisa, hope you girls are happy.' My jaw dropped, my heart was racing as I carried on searching through the comments, not understanding what stood before my eyes. Jade sat up straight no longer leaning against me, I felt her tense and the beginning of a sentence form on her tongue but shock had trapped our words and only silence filled the void.

The following comments mirrored the first in animosity and blame. Slowly however the comments began to take on a sick form of directed blame. Specifically at me. My breath caught as I read the comments.

'I heard that Perrie was the reason the crash happened, stupid bitch'

'Yeah, I heard she was on top of the driver and he couldn't see, clearly she doesn't care about anyone other than herself'

'I hope she understands what she has done, innocent people lost their lives'

My eyes scanned the words quickly, flitting from one comment to the next. I felt Jade move beside me as she shut the laptop lid, disallowing me to continue my search. The stinging began in my eyes, I tried to keep my breathing controlled as I fought to not return to the dark place of self-hatred I had been trapped in. The fight however was futile. As my first tear fell I heard a soft knock on the door, I didn't register the meaning nor did I move, I simply just sat and let the tears fall. Jade went to open the door saying a quick hello before quickly returning to me. As she walked into the room I looked up at her. Her brown eyes were sparkling with the tears threatening to form and her eyes held a look of worry and pity toward me barely blocking a fire burning pure anger. Jade's eyes were an open window to her feelings and at this moment they were lay on a platter for everyone to see.

My gaze quickly flickered to Jesy as she followed Jade into the room. Her face initially bright dropped when she saw mine,

'Perrie? What's wrong?' the concern was clear in her voice, the voice that I felt immediate comfort in,

'They are saying it was my fault Jesy and it was' I cried silently as Jade sat beside me and hugged me tightly. Her body offered protection but my sadness was already home.

'Look at the laptop Jes' Jade's words were dry and monotonous as she stroked my hair in an attempt to comfort me. I watched Jesy read, I watched her facial expression change as she read through the comments. A short time after when she fully understood the viral situation she closed the laptop placing it beside her and turned her attention to me. As she looked at me her eyes were full of understanding. Jesy didn't need much information to be able to sum up a situation accurately and she knew exactly what the problem was here.

'Perrie, listen to me' her voice was calm and soothing, I relaxed into it feeling the respect I had for Jesy force my mind to register her words more than most. 'These people, that are saying these things they don't know the situation. They weren't there on the night and they weren't there during the crash. We, your friends, band mates and sisters all saw what happened that night and it wasn't because of you. It was that taxi drivers fault, not yours.' She sighed before continuing. 'Perrie the thing is that if anything you saved us. Each of us woke up to someone because of you, I had Leigh beside me because you'd helped her and Jade was pulled from a ditch at the side of the road by you. You weren't the reason that this terrible thing happened but you are the reason that we're here coping with it now. You saved us Perrie, you reminded us that we are worth fighting for that our bond is worth fighting for and we love you more than anything Pez.' Her words warmed my heart, Jesy had become the unofficial mam of the group when Tulisa wasn't around and so her words reached my ears and fought to a place of understanding. Jade tightened the hug for a second,

'Jes is right Pez. I woke up alone and I couldn't move, I couldn't remember what had happened and I felt so alone. If it weren't for you I might have just given up there and then' I felt Jades head rest on top of mine as she sighed deeply.

'Thank you' My voice sounded chocked through the tears but their words really did mean everything to me. I knew that everything was going to be ok. That somehow together we would make it through these hard times and come out stronger. I leant against Jade and let myself relax.

'I love you guys' My words were soft the truth lacing the sounds and amplifying my affection.


	11. Chapter 10

(Jade)

Perrie lay against me warming my body and soul. She and Jesy were talking about the tweets and I felt her voice form through her before leaving her mouth. I watched her as she spoke and as she thought about everything. I wasn't sure what had happened lately. It felt like since I had been in the hospital waiting for Perrie to wake up I didn't want to ever be without her. I knew that obviously this was just because I thought I was going to lose her and she was my best friend, my sister. However somehow it felt different, different to my love for Jesy and Leigh-Anne. It was almost as if it radiated from the core of my being, infecting every part of me. I held her against me in an almost selfish way, not wanting her to leave. I felt an increased amount of protection over her and seeing her face as she read those tweets broke my heart. How could anyone be so cruel? Cruel enough to write something that was intended to hurt, was directed specifically at a person. An accusation that was cold and dripping with animosity. The thought of the person sat comfortably and anonymously at home in front of their computer infuriated me.

'Jade?' I looked down to see a pair of impossibly blue eyes staring up at me 'Your grinding your teeth, are you ok?' I unclenched my jaw, not even realising I had been grinding my teeth in the first place.

'Yeah I'm fine, just thinking' I replied softly and smiled, I didn't want Perrie to think that anything was wrong with me. I knew she was hurting, her pain was written across her face. It had been since she'd woken up, a constant reminder of what none of us could forget. She was still staring at me, her eyes searching deep within myself trying to find my true feelings. I found it difficult to mask them from her but there was a voice in my head that reminded me to protect Perrie. That she needed me as much as I needed her. I smiled as I moved slightly, her body still pressed against mine. I moved my hand toward hers and laced her fingers between my own. I knew that this action would convince her that I was fine but there was something else about it that made me smile, truly smile. I began to find myself liking the way she felt so close against me, the way her hand fit so perfectly in mine as if we had been made to fit together. She squeezed my hand as she turned back to Jesy. I let myself relax. 'Stop it Jade' my voice was loud in my head. The voice of reason and sense, I knew I was being stupid. I couldn't understand the feelings that were overpowering me yet I knew that whatever they were they were one sided. I knew that Perrie stuck true to our friendship; that nothing could grow from it. Not that I wanted anything to, or did I? I couldn't begin to understand my feelings and Perrie's body pressed so close to mine wasn't helping matters. I felt frustrated, confused and angry. What was I thinking? I hate not being able to decipher my own mind and I was scared. Scared of what these feeling may mean, I needed a distraction at least for now until I could understand my own mind. I didn't feel like me, I felt as though I was someone else. Someone who didn't hold certainty in themselves like I usually do. I felt lost in the murkiness of my mind, I needed to clear my head.

'I'll be back in a minute, does anyone want a drink?' I wasn't happy about moving away from Perrie but for some reason having her so close to me was messing with my mind.

'No thanks baba' Perrie smiled at me as she sat up allowing me to move, 'I'm good thanks Jadey' I smiled toward Jesy before making my way into the kitchen. I leant against the counter attempting to clear my mind.


	12. Chapter 11

(Perrie)

I hugged Jesy thanking her for her support as she left our apartment. I sighed as I walked back into the living room, finally feeling the comfort I was longing for. The weight that had been pressing down on me was finally beginning to lift and I knew it was thanks to my friends. I looked around slowly before heading to the kitchen, Jade was supposed to be getting a drink and coming back to join us about half an hour ago but she must've gotten distracted.

"Jade?" I began to make my way toward her room, I had my hand raised about to knock on her door when I heard a sound coming from the bathroom. I made my way to the door knocking on it softly.

"You ok?" I waited to hear her reply. I could hear her breathing through the door,

"Erm… Yeah Pez, I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute" There was something wrong with the way her voice sounded, it sounded almost pained. I frowned slightly considering just letting it lie, walking away.

"You sure you're ok baba?" I had to be sure. I heard her laugh through the door, it sounded hollow.

"Honestly Perrie, I'm fine. I'll be out in a second and we'll go get some food yeah?"

"Okay, see you in a minute" I shook my head slightly before heading back to the living room.

(Jade)

"Fuck" I muttered after hearing her footsteps fade. Quickly I held my hands underneath the flow of water catching it and throwing it over the dry parts of the sink. I watched as my blood turned light, washing away with the water. I sighed, the comfort still radiated through me but the pain from my wrist was screaming for recognition. I clenched my teeth before I held my wrist below the running water, the pain was fresh and cut through my being. Removing my wrist from the waters flow I slowly dabbed the wound with a towel stained with blood dry and fresh. I quickly glanced around the bathroom making sure that everything was clean before I made my way into my bedroom and hid the towel. I pulled a long jumper on before I made my way to the living room.

(Perrie)

I know there's something weird with her, she hasn't been herself lately. I sat quietly chewing the inside of my cheek absentmindedly.

"So you want to go out for some food?" I turned to see Jade stood in the doorway smiling at me, I let myself relax slightly. She looked fine didn't she? Her skin was slightly paler than usual and I could see the dark circles under her eyes from here but that was to be expected after everything we'd been through, right?

"Pez?" I realised that I'd been staring at her lost in thought,

"Sorry. Yeah sure, you know I'd never say no to food. Just let me grab my coat" I watched as she relaxed slightly, her shoulders slouching. She looked comfortable aside from her fingers which were wrapped around the cuff of her jumper tugging slightly on the material, must be subconscious.

"So, you feeling ok about your doctor's appointment tomorrow?" Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about it, I hadn't even given it a thought. I'd been too focused on being home and trying to come to terms with recent events.

"I guess, I mean I feel fine and they let me out so I don't see what could be wrong" I watched a smile cross her lips but her eyes held worry. She'd promised me she'd come with me to all of my appointments for moral support and I was really grateful but I didn't want to scare or worry her. I had to protect her, like I always had. "Don't worry about it Jade, I'll be fine". She met my gaze and I watched as she seemed to realise the worry she showed, quickly she perked up.

"I know, you're a fighter Pez" She laughed lightly taking a sip of her drink. I glanced back down and couldn't help but notice her fingers still clutching to the sleeve of her jumper. I frowned slightly, she'd never done that, not in the whole time I'd known her.

"Told you we'd find them here" I looked up finding the source of the voice and saw Jesy and Leigh-Anne stood in front of us grinning like idiots.

"Why're you two so giddy?" They were virtually bouncing on the spot.

"Oh, I don't know. Guess it's just a good time to be in a girl band who're allowed to record again" Leigh-Anne became more high pitched with her increasing excitement.

"Oh my god" I couldn't help the squeal that left my mouth. I gazed toward Jade who was already off her seat and hugging Jesy and Leigh-Anne.

"Come on Perrie!" I was immediately pulled off my chair and into the group hug. I felt like I could burst, I was so excited. We'd waited so long and been through so much waiting for this moment to arrive. We'd won the x-factor and we were finally able to start our careers.

"Wait!" Jesy screamed gaining all our attention immediately. "There is one condition, Perrie has to be declared fit for the performances and the stress. So once you've had your appointment tomorrow they'll call up management and we can start" Jesy was smiling but I felt worried all of sudden. What if I wasn't well enough, what if the doctor said no. We were all so excited about getting started again and I didn't want to be the one standing in the way of that. I felt Jade's hand curl around mine and I smiled down at her. She moved closer wrapping her arms around me.

"You'll be fine Pez, I'll be there" She whispered in my ear, she was right, what could go wrong?


	13. Chapter 12

(Perrie)

I woke up abruptly, I could hear my pulse drumming in my ears and I was shaking uncontrollably. I'd been dreaming about my appointment, I had no idea what they'd tell me and now so much was riding on it. I knew we all needed to be back in the studio and I couldn't stand in the way of my friends, my sisters future. I looked around frantically trying to calm down and grasp a hold of reality. I glanced at the alarm clock glowing bright illuminating the room, it read 3.00am. I groaned, I didn't have to be up for hours and yet I felt too scared to try and return to sleep, I'm not sure why I was so shaken up. I swung my legs out of bed and made my way to Jade's room, I needed someone comfortable to tell me everything would be ok.

"Jade?" I could see her tiny sleeping form move as I slowly woke her,

"Perrie? What's wrong?" Her voice was a tired mumble, I stood above her clutching my arms around my chest.

"I'm scared about tomorrow Jade" I heard her groan slightly as she threw the cover back giving me room to crawl in. I lay down and felt her curl up behind me, her arm wrapped around my chest.

"You'll be fine Perrie, we all love you and we're going to find a way through this ok?" Her voice was slightly clearer now, there was certainty in it and immediately I felt safer. I'm always so conscious of protecting Jade that I forget how she protects me. I let myself relax into her as she moved closer yet again extinguishing any space between us. I could feel her breath tickling my neck as her arm tightened around me. Within a few minutes she was asleep, I could hear the change in her breathing as it softened and slowed. I relished in the comfort Jade offered me as slowly I too began to drop off to sleep.

(Jade)

I opened my eyes slowly against the light. Taking in my surroundings I realised I was lay on Perrie's chest, how the hell had I ended up here? I cast my mind back and slowly I began to rekindle the broken memory of Perrie coming in late at night, I must have moved here in my sleep.

"Morning sleepy" Her voice shocked me and I began to move off her muttering an apology. I felt her arm tighten around my waist holding me down.

"Jade, you don't have to get up, it's fine" A voice was screaming in my mind telling me to get up that I had to get off Perrie, telling me that I was too comfortable with being so close to her and I couldn't let myself feel this way. There was nothing wrong with it though, I'd only woken up this way, it was subconscious. There's nothing wrong with it. I let myself relax again, secretly loving the feeling of her so close to me.

"What time is it?" I asked quietly,

"Half nine"

"What?" I raised my head slightly gazing up at her "Why are you awake at half nine?"

"I've been awake since eight, just thinking" She looked down at me briefly before returning her gaze to the ceiling.

"Is everything ok? Are you worried about today?" She took a deep breath thinking before she answered.

"It wasn't really today that I was thinking about" Her words were quiet.

"Then what was it?" I already knew the answer.

"Tulisa" She took a deep breath before she carried on "I've been thinking about how I never got to say goodbye to her. How I missed the funeral and I think I'm ready to go to see her" Her voice was quiet, timid. I felt tears prick my eyes but I held them in, this was Perrie's time to mourn.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"Yes please" She tightened her arm around me as she spoke. I sighed mentally preparing myself for the events ahead, this was going to be a rough day.

Perrie's appointment wasn't until twelve so we had ample time. I decided it was best for me to drive as Perrie had been quiet since she'd woken up. I looked at her as she stared blankly out of the window, her stare was blank but I could see the worry and fear in her eyes. It was simple living in our flat, we didn't have to think about the outside world and with no work to do we didn't leave often. Being outside again brought new challenges with it, we not only had to contend with our own pain but suffer the sympathetic looks of bystanders who have no idea what our lives have become.

Finally we reached the cemetery, I sighed deeply before turning the engine off and climbing out of the car. I turned to see Perrie closing her door and I attempted to offer her a smile, which she returned yet neither was convincing. Slowly we began making our way through the sea of headstones. There was barely a sound in the entire place which amplified my heart in my ears. I extended my hand toward her and she took it wrapping hers in my own. I could feel her palms were slightly warmer than usual, I squeezed her hand trying to offer her some sort of comfort. We were close now, I turned one more turn and guided Perrie in front of the headstone that belongs to Tulisa. This was all that was left of her, a slab of marble with her name engraved into it. I stepped back giving Perrie her time to say goodbye. She moved slowly toward the grave, I watched as she crouched beside the grave.

"Hey Tulisa, it's Perrie" she let out a small laugh which quickly turned into a whimper. I watched as the tears fell from her eyes, she squeezed them shut before continuing.

"I'm so sorry. Sorry I couldn't save you, sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you the way I should. I'm sorry I couldn't see your family and tell them I'm sorry for hurting you." She took a deep breath, it shook through her body. "I wanted so badly for everything to be perfect, for us to make and album and for you to buy it and be proud of us. I'm sorry that you'll never hear it or come see us perform like you used to on the x-factor. I wish that you could watch us grow" Perrie was really crying now, I watched as she slumped onto her knees beside Tulisa's grave.

"I…I…" I watched her struggle to form words, she let out a frustrated moan as her tears fell harder. I moved next to her, I placed my hand on her shaking shoulder as I sat beside her and pulled her into my chest. She just lay against me and cried.

"Why did this have to happen Jade? Why are we being fucking punished, we're good people, Tulisa was a good person" I felt the tears leave my eyes now.

"I don't know Perrie" I don't know what I could say to make her feel better.

"So now all we're left with is a fucking rock that we come and talk to like she can fucking hear us" Perrie was becoming hysterical but there was nothing I could do I just had to let her cry and scream. The quietness of the cemetery just amplified Perrie's crying and I felt my heart break with every sob that racked her body. I held her closer to my body trying to protect her from the pain. Abruptly Perrie jumped up still shaking and crying.

"Well Tulisa, can you hear us? Or is this just fucking pointless?" She was shouting at the sky, searching for an answer she'd never find. "Well? Anyone, nothing?" She turned her gaze back to mine. I stared at her, her eyes were red and bloodshot, her face flushed and her make up smudged.

"It's just fucking useless isn't Jade? 'Cause she's fucking gone and she not coming back is she? No because she's dead!" I stared at her in shock, I watched her face crumble as she let out a whimper. She spoke quietly, finally calming. "She's gone"

I stood up and wrapped my arms around Perrie, I felt her legs give way and I crumpled to the ground with her. "Shhh, it's ok Perrie" I was whispering words through my own tears as she cried into my shoulder. "We'll be ok, we've got each other and Leigh and Jesy" I searched for the right words but they alluded me. I tightened my grip on her body pulling her closer as she finally began to calm down. Her shaking subsided and eventually she fell quiet. For some time we just sat in silence, Perrie still wrapped in my arms until finally she pulled away ever so slightly meeting my eyes with hers.

"I'm sorry Jade" I opened my mouth to speak but she was already talking. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there at the funeral and I'm sorry for what you just saw" Her voice was quiet, defeated and rough. She had literally cried and screamed all of her strength from her body. I laughed lightly.

"I was a wreck at the funeral so no apologising. We'll get through this though Pez" She rested her head back on my shoulder.

"I know" she whispered with a sigh. I tightened my grasp on her before pulling her up and taking her back to the car.


	14. Chapter 13

(Perrie)

We pulled up outside of the hospital and I felt the worry begin to take hold. I could feel my hands getting clammy and my stomach was churning with butterflies. I turned and saw Jade gazing at me curiously.

"You ready?" Her eyes were still sad and I felt horrible for causing her pain. I was being selfish when I agreed to let her come with me to the cemetery, it wasn't fair on her. I forced a smile.

"Yeah, let's get this over and done with" she didn't look convinced but she didn't question me she simply stepped out of the car, waiting for me to follow. I'd been trying to ignore it for Jade's benefit but I could feel it again, the urge to smoke. I'd been trying so hard to not smoke in front of her so that I didn't upset her but after the cemetery I was dying for the rush, for the release. I shut the door and glanced at my watch, we'd come slightly early and so I still had fifteen minutes before I needed to be in the hospital.

"You go inside Jade, I'll follow you in" I tried a small smile but really I was silently praying she'd say yes.

"Perrie, I'm not stupid I know what you're going to do" I looked down not being able to look in her eyes and lie. "Look I don't mind as long as we sort it out soon, we're recording soon so you've got to stop, please" I raised my eyes forcing myself to meet her gaze. She smiled at me sadly when I looked at her, I felt so guilty but I couldn't put it off for any longer. I needed to calm my nerves.

I made my way through the entrance and to the reception desk, the receptionist gave me the directions and I began to make my way down the winding hallways. I'd never liked hospitals; I hated the smell and the thought of people dying constantly here. I hate to see the extent of suffering that occurs in hospitals, it makes me sad. I quickened my pace wanting to get the whole process over and done with, I made my way into the waiting room and saw Jade sat quietly on the other side of the room. I made my way over to her as she glanced up catching my eye and smiling.

"You feel better?" Jade asked as I sat down. I nodded, I did feel better but I could still feel the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel Jade's eyes on me and I felt her hand connect with mine suddenly, I smiled as I glanced toward our fingers laced together. I'm not sure why but she offered me so much comfort, I was glad for her presence today. Immediately my nerves quietened and I felt myself relax.

"I feel better now" I smiled toward her "Look Jade I just wanted to say thank you for earlier and thank you for being here now. I know I'd be freaking out so much more if you weren't here beside me so thanks" Her smile grew wider as she leant toward me taking me her arms and squeezing me tight against her.

"I'll always be here for you Perrie" I pulled back smiling at her again when I heard my name being called.

"Perrie Edwards" I gave Jade another quick hug before I made my way toward the doctor waiting for me. As soon as Jade wasn't beside me the fear and worry returned.

"This way " The doctor began to lead me down a hallway where they would test to see whether I was healthy and could perform. I had so much riding on this and I could feel myself beginning to shake.

(Jade)

I hated not being able to stand beside her the whole way, I hated how scared she looked when she left even more though I hated that nothing could ever be simple for her. There seemed to always be something that stood in the way of Perrie's recovery process. Whether it's physical, mental, emotional pain or even vicious messages from fans, she never gets it easy. I had been waiting about half an hour for her and it was killing me. I was reading an article in a newspaper but I wasn't taking in the words, instead my mind was filled with Perrie. I tried to stop it, to stop my blush when she told me how much she appreciates me and to force myself to let her go once I've hugged her for a few seconds. I'm so scared that I'll lose myself in her presence and do something stupid. I wanted to protect her to be there for her and I know that right now she needs a friend so that's what I'll be.

"Miss. Thirlwall?" A doctor who I recognised from after the crash was stood before me. I smiled at him dying to hear his words. "It's good to see you've recovered. Miss. Edwards is waiting for the results in one of our rooms if you'd like to follow me" I followed the doctor through a heavy door and down a short hallway before he gestured to one of the rooms. I walked inside turning back to look at him. He smiled toward me and then moved his gaze to Perrie.

"I'll be back as soon as the results come back Miss. Edwards" he left then closing the door behind himself leaving the two of us alone. I walked toward her sitting down on the chair beside her.

"You ok Pez?" She looked strange, slightly pale. I waited as slowly she turned her gaze toward me.

"Erm yeah, just a bit nervous I guess" She stared behind me for a few moments before returning her gaze back to mine. "What if it's bad news? What if I have to stay here again? I hate this place Jade, I hate it more than anything"

"Don't worry Pez, you're going to be fine and we're all here for you no matter what" I searched in vain for any joy in her face. She was blank, she seemed almost absent. I stood up sitting on her bed. I watched as her blue eyes met mine, I could see tears beginning to form.

"What if they say I can't perform Jade?" It was the first time I'd ever seen true fear in Perrie's eyes. She was always so happy and confident; I knew how she felt though I couldn't imagine my ability to perform being dictated for me. I felt my heart squeeze, I wanted her to be happy but what could I do? "What am I supposed to do? I have to be able to perform, it's the only thing I love, the only thing that makes me happy" I watched a stray tear fall from her eye, I moved closer to her wiping away the tear with my thumb. My mind was screaming telling me to get away from Perrie, that it was too tempting. I tried to listen but I could smell her scent and suddenly all thoughts were gone. I focused on her skin so soft below my thumb, I moved my gaze back up to her eyes as I stared into her soul. I wanted so much for her to smile and be happy again. I was quickly losing control of my rationality. I could feel myself edging closer to Perrie, taking in her features so perfect, I was drinking in every part of her. I felt my lips against hers before I even registered my movement. Fuck, I'd just kissed Perrie. I jumped back quickly standing and turning away from her, I couldn't handle looking into her eyes.

"I'm so sorry" I breathed the words as I felt the tears begin. I could hear her breathing, but I couldn't hear words. Slowly I turned to look at her, she was staring hard at the blanket that covered her legs. Her skin was so pale and her mouth hung open ever so slightly. I closed my eyes tight, I wanted to scream, to run. I began to make my way toward the door but Perrie's voice stopped me.

"Jade…" I turned back to her praying for her forgiveness. Her eyes were wide, her mouth moved slightly trying to form words yet nothing came out. I felt a tear leave my eye as I waited begging for her to tell me it was ok, that we could get passed this and she didn't hate me. I watched as her stare went vacant, she was looking at me but wasn't registering me. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost and I felt my heart stop.

"Good news Perrie, you're fit and well" The doctor burst through the door expecting to be met with our smiling faces, instead he was met by silence. He looked from me to Perrie quickly,

"Perrie, are you ok?" Slowly he made his way toward her, she didn't even see him. He was sat in front of her yet she didn't move her gaze. "Perrie, can you look at me?" What had I done? He kept trying to break her gaze but his efforts were fruitless, I felt sick, she was so disgusted in me she couldn't even move. My breath caught in my throat as I watched her eyes roll back into her head as she fell to the bed shaking violently. I felt a cry leave my mouth as the doctor screamed for help. I'd kissed her and I'd triggered a seizure, I felt the tears begin to fall. I couldn't do this, I couldn't handle this. I pushed past the nurses running from the room, I couldn't stay there. I couldn't handle what I'd just done, how would I ever look her in the eye again?


	15. Chapter 14

(Jade)

I was pacing the hall outside of Perrie's room, I wanted to leave, every muscle was screaming at me to run away from my mistake but I couldn't leave until I knew she was ok. It had been around ten minutes now and there was still no sign of the doctors or nurses who had gone into the room to help Perrie. I still couldn't believe I'd kissed her, the self-hatred I felt was indescribable, my best friend hates me. I'd made her fit, what the fuck was I thinking? She needed a friend not me taking advantage of her pain.

"Jade?" I turned to see the doctor stood watching me,

"How is she?" I couldn't contain the anger I felt,

"She's fine, she's just resting"

"What the hell happened? You came in and said that she was fine, you were about to send her home and let her perform and record and you missed that she might still be having seizures? I thought that was one of the things that you checked for!" I was beginning to shout, I knew it wasn't fair to take my frustration of my own actions out on the doctor but I couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, we'll run the tests again. We must have missed it but don't worry she'll be fine, she's a fighter" I wanted to scream in his face,

"Fine? You call that fine? You're supposed to be helping her not making clearly wrong assumptions, you were about to tell our agency that she's healthy and can perform. What if that had of happened on stage?" I looked at him as I gestured toward Perrie's room, his professional front was up. He wasn't being hurt by any of my words but I still felt guilt toward how I had treated him. I took a deep breath,

"Look I'm sorry, I don't mean to take it out on you. It's just frustrating, feels like things will never get better"

"It's fine Jade I understand, please try not to worry" He smiled sympathetically at me before excusing himself and leaving me stood alone in the corridor. I made my way back to Perrie's room, every inch of me wanted to push the door open and sit by her side but I couldn't. She probably hated me now and I couldn't cause her to have another seizure. I knew it was best for me to keep my distance but as I looked through the window into her room I felt my heart break. I could see her lay on the bed with her eyes closed, she looked so peaceful and serene. I could almost believe that I hadn't done it and that there was nothing wrong but I was just kidding myself. I'd fucked everything up and now I had to face the consequences.

I walked outside as I put the phone to my ear. I could hear the buzz as I waited for Jesy to pick up.

"Come on, pick up Jes" I could feel myself beginning to panic, I needed to get home to sort myself out.

"Hey Jade, how'd it go?" She sounded so excited,

"She had another seizure Jes, just as they told us that she was better" the words left my mouth so quickly. I needed to get away.

"Fuck, is she ok?" I could hear the fear in her voice,

"She's fine, she's just resting. Look you know I'd love to stay but there are some things I need to sort out but I don't want to leave her alone. Do you think there's any way you could come down and stay with her?"

"Of course Jade, I'll come over now" I sighed, thank god.

"Thanks Jess, I've got to go now so just ask at the reception and they'll tell you where to go. See you later" I heard her say bye as I hung up. I was already moving toward my car trying to keep my breathing steady. 'I'll be back home soon and everything will be fine' I kept on chanting in my head as I put the keys in the ignition and headed home.

I closed the door and crumbled, everything inside me broke. Everything I had been holding in hit me in a flood. I was completely overwhelmed by the sheer force and amount of emotion that rushed through me. I felt as though my heart was throbbing pumping pain through my body. I could feel the tears streaming down my face and onto the carpet as I knelt on the floor. What had I done? Why did I do it? Questions, just questions that I had no answer for running through my head. I felt as though the voice of reason was mocking me, I should have just listened then none of this would have happened. Perrie would be fine, both me and Perrie would be fine. I felt like I was about to burst, there wasn't enough room in my body for so much pain. I picked myself up and began walking toward the bathroom, quickly I locked the door through habit before digging around in the cupboard and finding the razor blade I'd hidden.

I stumbled toward the bathtub as I slumped leaning against it, I stared at the blade with blurry eyes before I held my wrist out and slowly drew the blade over my skin. Fresh tears sprung from eyes but I welcomed these tears, these were the tears of release. I watched as blood began dripping from my arm, breathing deeply I allowed the euphoria to set in. I was completely open to the feelings as they rushed from my body relaxing my nerves as I allowed myself to soak in my naivety. I knew that running a blade across my skin would not make Perrie forgive me or make me forgive myself but I simply didn't care, I was suffocating in the situation and welcomed the escape however abstract it may appear. Running the razor over my skin again I sighed before breathing deeply welcoming the pain.


	16. Chapter 15

(Perrie)

I woke up alone, no Jade, no-one was around. I lay quietly until a doctor came in and told me I'd had a seizure but I'm going to be fine, apparently having a seizure constitutes being fine. He told me that they were looking over my test results to try to determine what the problem was and they'd let me home as soon as possible. So I could go home to Jade, what was I supposed to say to her? I lay down pulling a blanket to my chin as a tear rolled down my cheek. Why did she have to do that? Could she not have just left things as they were? Things were just starting to get better and now I'm left confused and alone. I heard the door open and I turned expecting to see Jade instead I was greeted by a solemn looking Jesy.

"Hey Pez, the doctor told me what happened. Are you ok?" She looked so worried about me, I felt as though I should be more worried about the seizures but I was too focused on what had happened with Jade.

"Yeah, I'm ok. They're looking over the results to see what happened" I attempted a smile but Jesy didn't believe it for a second. She sat down beside me and looked me straight in the eye.

"What happened with Jade?" She waited for my answer patiently but I was shocked, Jade had told her?

"Jade told you?" I sighed looking down,

"No she didn't. She called me to come here and look after you because she has something to take care of which I know is bullshit because she'd drop anything for you. So what happened?" I sighed biting my lip, I didn't know how to explain it to Jesy, I was struggling to understand it myself.

"I…I was telling her about how worried I was about the results and then she… she kissed me" I looked back at Jesy expecting to see some form of shock but instead I was greeted by a smirk. "Why're you smiling Jesy? None of this is funny" Her face immediately dropped at my outburst.

"I'm sorry, go on" Again she waited patiently for me to find the words.

"I don't know what happened, she jumped off the bed and started apologising and then she was about to leave and I tried to speak to her but everything went fuzzy and I can't really remember. Then I woke up and she was gone" Jesy gave me a sympathetic smile,

"Well how do you feel about her?" The question caught me off guard even though it was perfectly reasonable one considering the situation but I had never even considered Jade as more than a friend. I thought for a moment again trying to turn my mess of thoughts into a sentence.

"I really don't know. I mean I love Jade more than anything but always as a best friend, I've never even considered being with her as more than that." I felt so frustrated I felt so lost and confused.

"Do you think you could ever like her in that way?" I knew Jesy was just trying to help me but honestly I had no answer for her questions.

"I don't know, I guess I'd have to think about it" We sat in silence for a moment as I thought and Jesy looked on sympathetically. "Honestly, I don't this is something I have time to consider. We've got too much to focus on with the album, let alone what it could do to Little Mix if anything were to come of it" I sighed trying to make sense, I meant what I'd said but I had the time to consider Jade as more than a friend but I was afraid to. I'd never had a gay thought in my life, I think women are beautiful but not in a sexual way and I think Jade is beautiful but what if I also thought she was sexy? I frowned my mind was running away with itself as it tends to and I was just getting thrown deeper and deeper into my own confusion. At that moment the doctor walked in, I turned to face him suddenly realising the severity of what I was about to hear.

"Ok Perrie so we've looked over your results again and we think you might be epileptic. Now I say might because epilepsy is a condition that is difficult to diagnose. You've only had one seizure since you've woken up, the other times your body was under serious stress so we don't want to jump to conclusions. However, I would like to put you on some anti-epileptic drugs just to be safe." I sighed, I was starting to get really pissed off with things going wrong for me.

"Hold on don't sigh just yet, there is some good news. Since you'll be on medication to control your epilepsy we've decided that you're fit to perform" I couldn't help the smile that crept onto my face, regardless of other situations I was so grateful to be able to do what I love again.

"Thank you so much" The relief was so huge I found myself holding back tears.

"I've called your manager and told her your good to go, good luck girls" He said goodbye and I literally jumped off the bed to get changed.

"Oh my god, when can we start?" Jesy laughed at my sudden energy surge. I didn't want to think about the Jade situation or my diagnosis all I cared about right now was recording.

(Jade)

It had been three weeks since I'd kissed Perrie, three agonisingly long weeks of avoiding Perrie. She avoided me also but it was by no means mutual. I wanted to go up to her, to apologise and fix things but I was so scared of getting her stress levels up in case she has a seizure. I'd spent most of my time at home in my room and I had surrounded myself in working on the album to fill up any remaining time. I pretty much lived in the recording studio now, it was good really. It took my mind of things and calmed me down, until I got home. I still found myself locked in the bathroom every now and then searching for an escape but I was so scared about Perrie finding out that I had become extremely cautious and vigilant.

I was watching her now through the window in the recording studio as she lay down her harmony and I couldn't help but smile. Her melodies always flow so naturally through her, her notes melting with our different voices forming a solid basis. She had her eyes squeezed shut as she lost herself in the music, her hands seemed to paint a picture of the song twisting and gliding through the air in perfect rhythm. As the music would change note her hands would follow creating a beautiful masterpiece completely unique to Perrie. My skin was covered in goose bumps as a shiver shook my being. It wasn't a shiver from cold though, it was a shiver of perfection. My entire self warmed as Perrie's voice glided through the glass,

"Why don't you just try talking to her?" I jumped seeing Jesy watching me, I felt myself blushing as I looked at my feet. I heard her make her way toward me and sit beside me. "Jade, it's horrible seeing you two like this. You've always been inseparable and now after one little mistake you won't even look at each other anymore." I did look at her though, as much as I could. I tried not to but I always seemed to find myself drawn back to her eyes. I turned my gaze back to her now as she finished her note with the perfect amount of vibrato to make it haunting. I sighed closing my eyes before looking at Jesy.

"I want to talk to her Jes, I do I just can't. For her own good and for mine, I can't hear her say that she hates me and I'd die if I were the reason she had another seizure" Jesy looked at me shocked. I couldn't talk about this, it was too painful I'd kept it to myself for three weeks; I couldn't let it out now.

"Jade, she doesn't hate you, she loves you" I laughed lightly feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. I stood making my way to the door.

"I know you're just trying to make me feel better Jes and I love you for it but it's just too difficult" I left the room quietly as my tears fell. I made my way to the rec room lying down on one of the couches trying to control my emotions; I couldn't let anyone see me like this.

I was finally feeling calm again when the door opened. I turned to see Perrie walking in with Jesy behind her, she raised her gaze and noticed me sat there and immediately her face fell. I never thought that I could ever have that effect on Perrie, I felt as though someone had just poured salt in a fresh wound. I cringed away from her glance turning my attention to the ceiling instead. I heard the door close and watched Jesy adamantly stand in front of it.

"Come on Jesy, what're you doing?" Perrie was making her way toward Jesy attempting to get out.

"I'm playing the mediator while you two sort this out because this right here?" she gestured between me and Perrie "Is not what Little Mix is about, we love each other and that's why our music works" Perrie sighed as she took a seat on the couch opposite. She kept her eyes focused on Jesy as she pulled a chair up and sat in between the two of us.

"Go on then" Jesy urged. Cautiously I lifted my gaze toward Perrie, she was watching me with sad eyes and I felt my heart tug.

"I'm sorry Perrie, I shouldn't have done it" I looked down not able to hold her gaze.

"Yeah well I wish you hadn't of" Her words were blunt and harsh and honestly I was shocked. I'd gathered she hated me but to hear her cruelty cut to a deeper place. "Everything was fine before you did it Jade, we were all fine getting on with our lives after the accident"

"Perrie, back off" Jesy's tone was harsh and I was grateful for her attempt at helping me but I quickly gathered that little could help this situation. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as Perrie continued to stare at me with her cruel gaze.

"Why should I? She was the one who drove a wedge between us" the tears were falling now, how could she be this cruel? I saw Jesy shoot Perrie a harsh look which just seemed to bounce off Perrie. I couldn't do this anymore; I couldn't sit here and bear seeing the way she looked at me with such hatred. I stood up quickly,

"I really am sorry Perrie" I muttered through my tears, I glanced at her once and I swear I could see pain there but I wasn't about to find out I left the room quickly. I walked straight out of the door and to my car. Tears were pouring down my face as I started the car and made the journey home.

I threw myself into the bathroom, slamming the door and not even bothering to lock it. Quickly I searched through the cupboard throwing things out in an attempt to get my blade faster, finally I found it. I began crawling back to the bath where I sat against it. I couldn't think, thoughts running through my head could no longer be re-organised by my mind all I could feel was the pain and the need to escape it. I brought the blade down against my skin and welcomed the relief it brought, for a moment I sat content but quickly the euphoria wore off and was replaced by the stabbing pain in my heart. There was too much heartbreak to leave with just one cut, so I brought the blade down again and again. I dropped the blade crying as the full extent of the pain hit me. I searched within it for the relief but I was left only with pain, sharp pain.

I gazed down at my wrist, blood was pouring from the cuts mingling and dripping onto the floor. I'd never seen so much blood and suddenly I was scared. I was very scared and I cursed myself for not facing my problems and instead trying to find an easy escape. Dark spots covered my vision as I felt myself slipping down the tub. I was lay with my head by the door and my blood soaked arm by my face. I tried to move but I couldn't, my vision was blurring and I could feel the blood against my face as it poured out of my body pooling on the bathroom floor. I could barely see anymore, everything was murky and dark. I thought I heard my phone but I'm not sure, from that point on I knew nothing, couldn't feel, touch or see I was aware only of darkness.


	17. Chapter 16

(Perrie)

"What the fuck Perrie?" I looked at Jesy looming above me, as soon as Jade left she was on her feet and started shouting. "You were a bitch to her and she was trying to apologise. Are you really that disgusted by what happened? Are you homophobic or something?" I was shocked by her words.

"Of course I'm not Jesy and get off the fucking Jade boat why don't you? She doesn't give a fuck about me! I think we all get that, why the fuck else would she leave me at the hospital when I was having a fit? Who leaves their friend under those circumstances?" I felt sick; all that filled my mind was Jade's face when I'd been so horrible to her.

"You think she doesn't care? Wake up Perrie, the reason she hasn't been coming near you is because she thinks she triggered your fit and she's scared to do it again. Even when you're being a dick all she's trying to do is apologise and keep you safe!" Jesy turned away from me her shoulders heaving. I was struggling to digest what Jesy had just said. She thinks she's hurting me, that's why she's been ignoring me.

"Why didn't she tell me that?" Jesy turned back to face me, we'd both calmed down now.

"Perrie, you didn't give her a chance. You've avoided her like the plague, you virtually live with me now. Why are you so scared of what happened?" I felt tears form as I met Jesy's eye.

"I am scared of everything Jes. I think I'm in love with her and I'm so scared of what that might mean, I've never thought of a girl like this before and it confuses me so much. It felt like the only way I could still feel normal is to focus on the one thing that I could be annoyed with her for, that way I could stop caring about her and I wouldn't be so confused. I got lost in my fear and I've just pushed her away forever"

"Perrie you've got to tell Jade that now, she hasn't been right for weeks now. She needs you more than ever, even if it's just as a friend" I let out a ragged breath as I pulled out my phone and dialled Jade's number. I waited patiently as it rang and rang until I heard the voicemail.

"Jade it's me Perrie, look I'm really sorry call me as soon as you get this, please" I hung up staring at Jesy. I'd never seen Jade cry so much when she left and I know she took her car. Fuck.

"I've got to go find her Jes" I could feel the panic rising as I ran from the room and to my car.

I drove home the same route Jade always took and was begging that I didn't come across anything bad, I couldn't bare it if I was the reason she was in another car crash. I arrived back at the house quickly and felt relief set in when I saw her car parked outside. I ran up the stairs and through the door.

"Jade? Jade? I'm sorry, please can we talk" I saw her bag thrown on the floor of the living room as I began to make my way toward her bedroom.

"Jade?" I knocked on her door lightly, hearing no answer I sighed. "Look baba I know you don't want to speak to me right now but I am really sorry so please just listen to me for five minutes, just five minutes and then I promise I'll leave you alone and won't bother you again." I waited praying to hear a yes. I was greeted by silence, my heart squeezed I'd hurt her so much. Gently I pushed the door open preparing to be screamed at. I glanced around the room quickly but couldn't see her.

"Jade?" I left her room and walked into my own where again I didn't find her. I saw her bag so she's definitely in. I made my way toward the bathroom as again I knocked lightly.

"Jade?" Silence again I pushed the door open slightly but it was stuck on something. I sighed she was in the bathroom ignoring me "Come on Jade please" I pushed the door slightly harder as I felt it give way. "Look Jade, I'm really sorry can you just…" I put my head round the door and saw her. She was lying in a growing pool of her own blood; I couldn't process what I was seeing. There was too much blood, too much for her to have any left in her body. I knelt beside her pulling her up against me. I saw the razor blade on the floor and felt myself whimper at the sight of it, quickly I glanced to her arm seeing three deep cuts in her skin oozing blood.

"Jade? Jade? No, no, no" I was shaking her trying to wake her up, praying that she'd open her eyes and somehow be ok. The tears were blurring my vision as I stared down at her blood soaked body. I lay her down gently on the floor and fumbled in my pocket trying to get my phone. Eventually I found it pulling it out I unlocked it and dialled 999, I was trying to form sentences to tell the woman on the other end of the phone what my emergency was but I was scared that if I said the words out loud it would confirm the reality of the situation, eventually though I managed to get out the words.

The ambulance was on its way and I found myself staring at Jade's blood all over my hands, it was on me instead of being in her keeping her alive. I need to stop the bleeding, I need a tourniquet, my mind was working on instinct overriding my thought process and forcing me into action. I ran into my room and grabbed a belt before running back to her and fastening it around her upper arm. I could feel the panic beginning to set in but I fought it, I had to keep calm for Jade.

I heard a knock at the door as I sprinted toward it opening it and directing the paramedics to the bathroom. There wasn't enough room for everyone to fit in the bathroom and so I stood in the hallway trying to catch my breath and calm my body. What if she wasn't ok? I'd never seen so much blood before, it was everywhere all over the bathroom, Jade and me.

"We've got to get her to the hospital stat" The paramedics were working quickly moving Jade to the ambulance; I jumped in after them praying that we would make it to the hospital in time.

Everything was a blur, one huge terrifying blur. We'd arrived at the hospital and Jade had been taken straight into surgery while I had been left alone. I didn't know anything; I didn't know whether or not she was going to survive this. 'Stop it Perrie' the voice was loud in my head, screaming at me telling me I needed to stay calm; I'd be no used to Jade if I were in a bed beside her. Quickly I searched through my bag finding my pills I put one in my mouth before going outside. The cold air seamed to offer some form of calm and as I brought the fag up to my lips I felt my body relax. I slowly pulled my phone out of my pocket seeing her blood across the screen, I dialled Jesy's number and waited for her to answer.

"Hello?" She sounded so calm in comparison to my frantic mood,

"Jes, it's Jade" I took a deep breath before carrying on "She cut her wrist Jes, she cut too deep and there was so much blood. It was everywhere oozing out of her arm, it was on the floor and it's on me" I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate.

"What? Fuck, oh my god" I could hear the panic in her voice "Ok, Perrie listen to me, you need to stay calm. We're on our way now Ok?"

"Okay" I was beginning to shake, I couldn't stop staring at the blood that covered my arms.

"Perrie, she's going to be ok" I mumbled a goodbye before hanging up and running into the bathroom. I had to get it off me, the blood. I turned the tap on holding my arms under the water but it wasn't coming off properly, I used the soap dispenser trying to get it off me but it wouldn't go. There was so much of it rushing down the sink, staining the water a deep red colour. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, I had lost all control, all sense of reality instead I was locked in a world of pain and guilt. What had I done? If I had of just faced up to my problems and told Jade how I felt none of this would have happened. She wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't be praying that I would see her face again.

(Jesy)

"I'm looking for Jade Thirlwall" I could feel my heart racing as adrenaline pumped through my body, I felt so impatient I wanted to grab the woman behind the desk and shake the answers from her.

"She's still in surgery but Perrie Edwards is in the bathroom over there" She gestured toward the toilets "She's in quite a mess and she's been in there for a while" She smiled at me sympathetically but I was already moving with Leigh-Anne trailing behind me. I pushed the door open and I could see her stood in front of the sink. She was crying hard, the tears pouring from her and mixing with what I could only assume is Jade's blood. It covered her, it was on her skin and clothes and I watched as she rubbed and rubbed patches of her skin trying to get the blood off. However the patches she was rubbing were clean, she was beginning to cut her own skin she was rubbing so hard. My heart broke, I hated seeing someone I love be in this much pain. Slowly I moved toward her.

"Perrie?" She looked up at me in the mirror, her eyes were red and puffy. I moved closer to her holding my arms out, she turned and threw herself against me.

"I did this Jesy, I pushed her away, I was so horrible to her and the way she looked at me with so much hurt and pain. I made her do this, she needed me and I pushed her away. Now I'll never be able to tell her I love her" Perrie was completely hysterical, she cried hard into my shoulder as she spoke. The words left her so quickly as if Perrie speaking quickly would make the world speed up and Jade's surgery with it.

"I should have told her, I should have told her that I love her but I'm a fucking coward. I don't care about anyone but myself, everything she did was to help me but I threw it back in her face, I don't deserve her" I held her at arm's length forcing her to meet my gaze.

"You can still fix this Perrie, okay? Jade will pull through and then you can tell her exactly how you feel. You can't let guilt over ride your feelings, you love her and she needs you now. She needs you to be there for her when she wakes up and she will wake up. We are not going to say goodbye to Jade now, she's going to get better and you're going to be by her side the whole time. Okay?" I wanted to slap her across the face to tell her to get a grip and pull herself together but I knew exactly how she felt. We were all guilty of not offering Jade enough support, we were so focused on the album we weren't there for her and now she may never come back to us. I held my tears back as I saw Perrie nodding to me, she took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom and taking a seat in the waiting area. I took Leigh's hand in my own giving it a quick squeeze as we followed Perrie taking a seat beside her and praying together that Jade would pull through.


	18. Chapter 17

(Perrie)

I felt as though I had been waiting a life time to hear any news, I couldn't relax or eat, I was completely useless. Jesy and Leigh were coping better they would occasionally go and find food bringing me back something that I would nibble on before setting back down. I was going crazy, I wanted to break through the door and find Jade no matter what state she were in, I just need to see her. The guilt I felt was like a fire burning me from the inside out, every time I closed my eyes I would see the look on her face when she tried to apologise and I threw it back in her face. I don't know how I could survive if that were her last memory of me. A stray tear dropped from my eye as Jesy pulled me into a hug, I was grateful for her comfort but I'd lost the ability to cry I was simply numb with guilt.

"She's going to be fine Pez" I didn't answer her, I just sat still, waiting.

"Hi girls" I lifted my head and met the gaze of the doctor who had treated us all after the crash. I was getting seriously fed up of seeing him so often; his was not a face I wanted to become accustomed to. We all looked at him expectantly, waiting to be told the fate of Jade.

"Jade's out of surgery but I'm not going to lie to you she's not in the clear yet. She's cut extremely deep and has damaged her tendon and some nerves, now we've done what we can and I think we operated just in time but we won't know for sure until she wakes up. We also had to give her blood transfusions for the acute blood loss she suffered. Now, although she stands a fighting chance if it weren't for your make shift tourniquet and fast thinking she wouldn't be here now, when we got her in it was touch and go for a while but she's stable so we just have to wait and see" He shot me a sympathetic smile as a ragged breath escaped me.

"When can we see her?" I asked,

"You can come now if you'd like to follow me" Immediately I was on my feet and moving, I couldn't get to her quick enough, I needed to see her, to be with her.

The doctor gestured toward a door, he left quickly giving us time alone with Jade. I held the door handle in my hand afraid to turn it, what if I couldn't cope with what is on the other side. How was I supposed to deal with seeing her in this state? I looked back remembering when I had woken up in the hospital with Jade beside me, she kept me sane and I was going to do the same for her no matter how difficult it may be. With a deep breath I pushed the door open making my way into the room.

"Oh my god, Jade" Tears were already streaming down my face, she shouldn't be here, in this bed. I glanced up at her taking in her features, her usually glowing skin was dull and lifeless, she looked so ill, ill but peaceful. She was blissfully unaware to how close she'd come to dying, how close she still is. I felt sick but I forced myself through it reminding myself that Jade's more important. I sat on the chair beside her, slowly I reached for her hand as I saw the bandage covering her wounds. I could see some of the slightly older scars stretching up her forearm, they looked so wrong on her perfect skin. I closed my eyes looking back to the day where we went out for food and I could see her in her jumper clutching so surely to the cuff, how did I miss that? She was making sure that none of us found out by hiding her cuts, come to think of it I hadn't seen in Jade in much else that jumpers for quite some time. I cursed myself I should have seen it, I should have put two and two together and protected her. I heard a cry and turn to see Leigh-Anne in pieces as she ran from the room,

"I'm going to go and see that she's ok" Jesy attempted a smile as she quickly left the room, I hoped that Leigh-Anne was ok but there was no way I was leaving Jade's side.

"Hey Jade" I sighed, I felt stupid talking to her when I knew she couldn't hear me but it didn't matter, even if there was the slightest chance I needed to tell her. "You've got us all pretty scared" I returned my gaze to Jade "I'm so sorry Jadey, I should've stood by you from the beginning I was just scared. I was so scared, scared of considering me and you together in case I liked it" I dropped my eyes back to her wrist cringing at the sight of it, I could feel my tears falling slowly. "Then I did think about it, I thought about it a lot, I thought about you a lot and I've come to realise that I love you Jade. I don't really understand what that means yet but I know that I want to find out, I want to be with you and protect you like I should have" I had to stop for a moment as talking became difficult, I wished she could hear me, I wished it with every fibres of my being. Calming my breath I continued. "I'm so sorry that I never tried to fix things and I'm sorry that I threw your apology back in your face" My heart stung at the memory "but most of all I'm sorry for leaving you, I should've followed you, stopped you from leaving. I should have told you that I love you and I need you here with me, so please Jade, please wake up so I can tell you how much I love you and then I can kiss you and show you how much you mean to me" I brought her hand up to my lips kissing lightly, her skin felt amazing under my lips. Slowly I brought her hand to my cheek and leant against it feeling the warmth her body offered. I felt so empty, I kept searching for something to fill the void with but only Jade could ever be enough.

Slowly I dragged my gaze to the door as Jesy walked into the room.

"She'll be back, just think she needs a bit of time" She attempted a smile "You ok?" She pulled another chair beside me looking at me with worried eyes.

"I'm fed up with it Jes. I'm fed up of nothing ever going right for us, ever since the accident everything has been going wrong but this is going too far. There's a lot I can handle but not this" I turned my blurry gaze back to Jade "I can't lose her before I've even found her" I closed my eyes surrendering to the tears. I felt Jesy's hand on me trying to comfort me.

"She's going to be ok Perrie and then you can tell her exactly how you feel" I admired her optimism and wished I could feel the same hope but seeing her in this bed with wires and machines attached to her extinguished any thought of hope. I had no time for hope, only reality and this was the reality, this fucked up excuse for our lives.

"But what if she's not? What if this is how life is going to be from now on? How am I supposed to live knowing that the last memory she'll hold of me is me being unbelievably cruel toward her? I pushed her Jesy, I pushed her to this, I pushed my best fucking friend to suicide" I let out a whimper.

"This isn't just on your back Pez, we all should and could've done more to help her. No one saw this coming" I heard the crack in her voice as she tried as always to be the strong one, the one who fixes everything but this couldn't be fixed as easily as some vicious tweets, this is serious. I had to do something, this wasn't working, it wasn't enough. Carefully I lay her hand back on the bed and stood beside her so that if there was any chance she could hear she would. I took a breath trough the tears trying not to surrender to the panic.

"Please Jade, come on baba wake up now" I could hear the panic in my voice "Jade please you've got to wake up so we can make our album for Tulisa and go on tour and perform together" I leant closer to her "and so I can tell you I love you" I stood staring at her waiting for any sign of her waking up. Come on! I could feel the panic and frustration rising.

"Jade, please!" I was becoming hysterical and I felt Jesy's hand on my wrist as she pulled me back onto the chair.

"Calm down Perrie, you don't want to have a seizure now. You need to calm down and wait, shouting isn't going to wake her up" I sighed taking hold of her hand again and trying to draw comfort from it. Closing my eyes I tried to find happy memories dotted in the mess, all of my memories though were splashed with Jade's blood. I heard Jesy's chair move but I didn't look,

"I'm going to go and check on Leigh" I felt her lips against my cheek before I heard the door close. I'd found my place of calm, reliving a memory of me and Jade, a memory that isn't tainted by her blood or her heartbreak.

"Perrie?" It was barely a whisper, my eyes shot up as I saw Jade's gaze on me. Tears sprung from my eyes immediately, relief flooded my body, I was going to be able to tell her.


	19. Chapter 18

(Jade)

It didn't take me long to understand where I was, I remembered the blade against my skin and the pain but why was she here with me? She'd made it pretty fucking clear she doesn't care. I was so confused, she was looking at me with so much relief and love but none of it made any sense.

"I thought I'd lost you" She whispered before she moved quickly pressing her lips against mine, for just a second I relaxed but then I remembered the way she spoke to me, how she broke my heart. I pulled away from her and watched the shock form in her eyes, I'm sure I saw pain again but it was gone in a flash as she sat back down.

"I'm sorry" her eyes were trained on the floor as I watched her carefully,

"Why're you here Perrie?" I didn't mean to sound angry but I was still hurt, she'd thrown my apology back in my face. I watched confused as she flinched against my words "Look Perrie, you made it pretty clear how you feel about me so you don't have to feel obligated to be here" she opened her mouth to talk but I cut her off "I'm awake so I'm fine, I'm sure Jesy or Leigh could sit with me instead" I thought that the pain I felt would come from my injuries but instead it was my heart that broke. I watched a tear roll from her face and crash on the floor, more and more followed as she kept her head ducked crying silently. What the fuck is going on? Why is she getting so upset, she doesn't care so what's her problem?

"Jade, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, for pushing you away and for being so horrible to you. I was just scared" She was speaking so quietly almost timid, I frowned.

"What do you have to be scared of Perrie? I was the one who was vulnerable. I'm the one who took a leap and was shot down which is fine but then after three weeks and everything we've been through you can hold that amount of anger toward me, I don't get it. So please tell me what scares you since that's all it's ever about, you." She brought her gaze up to mine, her eyes were red from where she had been crying and she was shacking slightly.

"I was scared to ask myself if I could ever like you as more than a friend, I was scared of what loving a girl would mean. I was scared of what people would think about me being with a girl but then I did think about, I thought about it a lot." I tried to speak but she cut me off "Please Jade, just let me finish and then I'll leave you alone I promise" I nodded at her and she sighed breathing deeply.

"I came to realise that it doesn't matter if I love a boy or a girl because love is love but that scared me. I was scared of how alien the whole idea was, I felt so out of my depth when I thought about you I'd tell myself that I was just being stupid. I made myself believe that I didn't feel anything for you and that you were wrong, that you were wrong for kissing me and ruining what we had. I was angry that you left me after my fit, even if you were scared I couldn't believe that you weren't there when I woke up, I thought you'd always be there like you said but you weren't and I got angry." I was struggling to make sense of her words as she pushed and pushed trying to make me understand.

"After you left, before this happened" she gestured toward me in the bed "Jesy got really angry with me and started shouting at me. So I told her, I told her that I was angry you left and that you hadn't come near me since and she told me that you thought you were the reason for my fits and you were just trying to protect me" She sighed "I realised what I'd done, that I'd pushed you away and been so incredibly horrible to you so I went after you but when I found you, well you had already done it" Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to speak.

"Perrie-"

"Please Jade, just wait" I waited for her to carry on.

"I was so scared Jade, I was scared that you weren't going to be ok and you'd leave me thinking I'm some vindictive bitch. I was so scared that I'd never get to explain to you, to tell you how I feel, to tell you that I'm not scared anymore. I don't quite understand what my feelings mean yet but I feel safe with you and I know that we would figure it out together." She took a ragged breath turning her gaze to me "I was so scared that I'd never get to tell you that I think I'm in love with you." A whimper left her mouth as she stared at the ground defeated. I was completely speechless; I was still processing what she'd just said trying to understand if she'd just said what I think she had. She stood abruptly moving toward the door,

"I'll go get Jesy or Leigh to come and sit with you. Bye Jade" She glanced at me once and I could see the pain now. It wasn't hidden behind anything, she'd broken every wall she had and I could see her heart breaking as she turned opening the door.

"Perrie, stop" She didn't turn back round, she just stood half way out of the door with her shoulders down. "Come here" she turned walking slowly toward me not meeting my gaze, tears still silently fell from her eyes as she reached me. I patted the bed gesturing for her to sit down, she did but her gaze remained on the floor. Slowly I sat up moving toward her, I took hold of her chin urging her eyes to meet mine. Her eyes were so sad, I could see every ounce of pain that ladened her and I felt my heart break, I couldn't stand seeing her in pain.

"I love you too Perrie" her eyes widened slightly as she processed my words. Slowly I cupped her face in my hands and pulled her toward me kissing her with everything I had, all the love I felt for her I mustered into this one kiss and I could feel her kissing me back.

"I'm… so sorry… Jade" I pulled away from her, she still couldn't seem to meet my gaze properly and her expression was distraught.

"Perrie, it's okay. I love you and we're going to figure this out together" A small whimper left her lips as she started crying heavier, instinctively I pulled her to me laying her head against my chest.

"What's wrong Perrie?" She tilted her head so I could see her,

"I thought you weren't going to stop me and I'd have to walk out of that door" I felt a tear roll down my cheek,

"Perrie, I promise I will always stop you from leaving" I saw a smile break through; I'd never seen anything as beautiful as Perrie at this moment.

"I promise I'll never leave" I laughed lightly as she pulled me down to her again. I smiled into the kiss feeling so content that she was finally here with me, she pulled me closer to her until there was nothing between us, nothing to break our bond. I wanted to lie with Perrie like that forever, her feeling so solid and strong against me. Finally I felt safe, content.

"I love you" I whispered against her lips,

"I love you too" She pulled me back to her our mouths working in perfect sync as all of my worry and pain broke away and I was instead left just with Perrie filling my heart and soul.


	20. Epilogue

(Perrie)

I walked through the door with Jade a few steps behind, I heard the click as the door closed behind us leaving everything in the past. We'd been through so much but we'd come out of it together and I couldn't quite believe it. I felt Jades arms wrap around my waist as she rested her head against my back, I allowed myself to relax to enjoy the feeling of her so close to me.

"I love you Perrie" I smiled turning round to her,

"I love you too Jade" the warmth that rushed through my body at hearing her words and being able to return them was indescribable. I'd held so much fear that I would never be able to tell her. I leant down meeting her lips, sighing into the kiss as the warmth spread through my body. She pulled away bringing her hand up to touch my cheek, I couldn't take my eyes off the raised cuts that plagued her wrist they served as a reminder of what neither of us would ever forget. I felt her eyes on me and saw the guilt cross her face.

"I'm sorry Perrie. I didn't mean for it to get that bad I just needed a release, I-" I cut her by kissing her, slowly I moved away from her resting my forehead against hers.

"You never have to apologise to me Jade. You know I'm sorry as well, I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am but I'd really like it if we could move on and not linger on it. I'd love to never think about it again" I felt myself frown as the memory of finding Jade in the bathroom flashed through my mind, I cringed slightly remembering the blood.

"I'd like that Perrie" I saw a small smile spread across her lips "How about we try and stay out of hospital for a while yeah?" I laughed lightly pulling her against me, I wrapped my arms around her holding her close to me.

"Come on Edwards, enough of this emotional shit" I pulled back smiling at her and seeing my smile returned. I'd missed talking to her, hearing her voice and seeing her smile.

"Fine, so what do you want to do?" I asked moving my hand to her face brushing against her soft skin, she leant against my hand before answering,

"Pretty sure you already know the answer, I'd like to watch a film" I took her hand pulling her to the couch and sitting her down before moving toward the shelves which were full to the brim with DVD's. I traced my finger across each one as I read silently trying to decide.

"What do you want to watch?" I turned my gaze back to her,

"Into the wild? I haven't seen it in a while" I turned back to the DVD's nodding, I brought my finger up again as I read trying to find the film. Eventually I found it pulling the case off the shelf and putting the DVD in, I made my way back to Jade. Lying down I pulled her against me wanting her as close to me as she could be, I smiled as she wrapped her arm around my waist and rested her head against my chest. I forced my gaze to the film as I allowed myself to be sucked into the struggle of someone else, I was freed from my own mind and was able to enjoy complete escapism.

The film was nearing the end and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, I must have seen this film ten times but I still cry ever time, it's inevitable. I laughed at how pathetic I am, Jade moved her head gazing up at me. I could see the tracks the tears had left down her face, she smiled sadly.

"God we're pathetic" she laughed lightly but I could still hear the effect the crying had on her voice. She lay back down returning her gaze to the screen. I watched the final scenes with warmth in my heart, I turned my gaze back to Jade feeling the warmth increase, she stifled a yawn and I couldn't help the smile that tugged at my lips.

"Bed?" She nodded sitting up slowly. I stood turning the TV and DVD player off before moving toward the light switch and turning it off as well, I let my eyes adjust to the darkness as I made my way back to Jade. She sat patiently following each of my movements intently.

(Jade)

I couldn't take my eyes off her, I didn't ever want to. I'd wanted this for so long and finally she was here and I could kiss her and do whatever I felt like, I felt liberated and free. She moved toward me holding her hand out to help me up. The dim light streaming through the window illuminated her slightly and I felt my heart race as I wrapped my fingers between hers, she pulled me up closing the gap between us. I could feel the warmth of her breath against me and I moved in pressing my lips against hers, I let my eyes flutter closed as I relaxed into Perrie. I felt her body move closer as she deepened the kiss, my mind buzzed as a dense fog closed in, my mind was a useless blur and the only sense I could make was Perrie. Just Perrie, Perrie who loves me and wants to be with me. I broke away needing to catch my breath, she pulled in a ragged breath before taking my hand and leading me to her bedroom.

I made my way to the bed sitting down and again watching her as she moved. She threw a large t-shirt toward me before pulling one on herself, I couldn't take my eyes off her as she moved, she has no idea of the effect she has on me. She turned around facing me again and I saw her smile as I sat staring still clutching the t-shirt, I felt a blush rise across my face as I quickly changed hearing Perrie's chuckle. She switched the light off and made her way to the bed as I pulled the quilt up jumping beneath it seeking warmth to no avail. She climbed in next to me and offered me the warmth I had been searching for; she pulled me toward her tucking my body against hers. Her warmth radiated through me and the touch of her tangled in my limbs brought a satisfaction I'd never felt, I tilted my head bringing my head to her neck and pressing my lips against her. I was rewarded with a quiet moan as she moved her lips to meet mine, I bit Perrie's bottom lip tugging at it slightly teasing her. She moaned again before pulling away breathless.

"Fucking hell Jade" I laughed lightly as I searched for her lips again, she kissed me quickly before pulling away preventing me from continuing with my game, I frowned confusion taking over.

"What's wrong?" I was afraid to ask, afraid that she'd say she made a mistake and the happiness I finally felt would be ripped away and she'd leave again. She obviously heard the worry in my voice as she immediately pulled me back to her, her forehead resting against mine.

"Nothing Jade, I promise. I've never been happier and trust me I want to but I want this to be special, to mean something. I don't want to rush this, I want it to be perfect" she pressed a quick kiss against my lips before she spoke again "Please stop worrying, I promised you I'd never leave and I won't" I forced myself to relax to listen to her words and take them in.

"I know, I'm sorry" She laughed lightly before pressing another kiss to my lips and cuddling against me again. I sighed as she wrapped her arms around my waist refusing to let me go.

"I love you Jade" her voice was a whisper as if she were afraid to say the words loudly in fear of breaking what we have.

"I love you too Perrie, with all my heart" she pressed a kiss to my forehead,

"So fucking cheesy" I laughed poking her side as she pulled me closer. I let my eyes close as I searched for sleep feeling a renewed optimism toward life, I couldn't wait to wake up and spend every waking moment with Perrie.


End file.
